Last week I was talking to my friend Carl about the American Pie Week I'm running on the blog. Seven days, purely focused on the pie. The problem was, I only had 6 articles. Something was missing -- but what was it? I considered writing a post about the music of 'American Pie', or a 'what have they been up to?' article about the actors in the last ten years, but none of those ideas excited me.
And then as we talked some more it became apparent; the missing link; the thing that had to be done.
I'd have to watch the straight-to-DVD releases.
I told Carl I'd do it, but only if he joined me. He agreed. We also roped in my friend Pete to do the same.
Much to my dismay, the DVD night arrived. Carl bailed. Naturally, I haven't spoken to him since. Pete and I soldiered on and watched them all, back-to-back.
After 'American Pie: Wedding', the cast and crew happily called it a day and moved on to other things. But someone, somewhere at Universal, thought it would be a great idea to carry on the franchise. Someone gave Brad Riddell permission to write the screenplay.
'American Pie Presents Band Camp', is quite honestly one of the worst films I have ever seen.Tad Hilgenbrink plays Matt Stifler; the younger brother of the original Stifmeister. Here's my description of the film.
Matt Stifler is struggling at school. So the school counsellor, The Sherminator, sends him to Band Camp for the summer. At band camp, Stifler decides to set up video cameras everywhere, so that he can capture everyone having sex, and all the women naked in the showers, so that he can make a porn film.
To describe Matt Stifler: on of the one hand, he seems obsessed with sex, but mostly he just seems extremely retarded. His love interest; Elyse, initially hates him; but at some point inexplicably becomes interested in him for no reason at all. Some romance is about to occur, but them some random hot girls turn up at band camp, and Matt Stifler decides to show them the rough edit of his band camp porn film.
Poor Elyse, who's waiting for Stifler to meet her at night on the dock, gives up him and returns to her dorm room. On the way, Stifler's door opens, and she sees herself on the laptop screen, naked in the shower.
NOW! Let's think for a second. Women, I have a question for you! If you were at band camp and discovered that you were being filmed in every room by a pervert --- would you a) Call the police? b) Call your parents? c) Scream! d) Beat the hell out of him, or e) Shrug, look awkward, linger in slow motion, and then return to your bedroom.
Elyse chose 'e'.
After that, Stifler returns to his school and the Sherminator says that he is happy with his improved behaviour. The end.
I rarely trash films on Kid In The Front Row. I know how hard it is to make movies, let alone good ones. But 'American Pie Band Camp' and the other three cheapo-American Pie movies are some of the most embarrassing attempts at filmmaking I've ever seen. They're morally bankrupt, atrociously written, and most of the time; lacking in any story or plot at all.
I rate 'Band Camp' 0/10.
'American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile' begins in a mildly improved way, if only because Erik Stifler (John White) is more of a likable fella, rather than the severely retarded and perverted guy from the last movie.
I watched this film LAST NIGHT! But I really struggle to have much to say about it. Here's what I remember of the film.
Erik Stifler is still a virgin. This is unheard of in the Stifler family. After accidentally killing his Grandmother with a stray cumshot, he decides to go with his friends to 'The Naked Mile', an annual event where college students run naked, for a mile. Oh, and his girlfriend, who is not quite ready to have sex, gives him a 'free pass', so that he can go have sex that weekend.
The film meanders on for about an hour or so, where the hopelessly forgettable characters wander into parties, drink, see boobs, then go somewhere else and see more boobs.
Eventually, the Naked Mile thing happens and Jim's Dad introduces it, everyone runs for a mile.
I think this was also the film where a bunch of midgets play an American Football match against the main characters. This lasts for 15 minutes and has absolutely nothing to do with the plot.
The film ends with Erik Stifler returning to his girlfriend. The End.
I rate 'The Naked Mile' 0.5/10. It is 0.5 higher than the previous film due to attempting to have a likable lead character.
'American Pie Presents: Beta House' is the 6th film in the franchise. It's the third of the straight to DVD spinoffs. And it's a sequel to the second film. So I guess, to sum things up, we can say it's a sequel to the second spinoff of the six movies. Yeah, that makes sense.
I hope you can feel the excitement I felt at preparing to see 'Beta House'.
Here's the lowdown:
Erik Stifler and his friends go to college; see some breasts, and do a bunch of respectable tasks to get into the 'Beta House', such as eating horse semen.
Lots of women get their breasts out, and the guys stroll into various scenes which rarely have anything resembling story or plot.
Jim's Dad turns up for the 6th film in a row. No real reason for it but there he is.
A bunch of montages happen and sexual exploits.
I rate 'Beta House' 0/10.
'American Pie Presents: The Book Of Love'
There's a random Stifler in this film. They don't even explain whether he's a brother, or a cousin; he's just called Stifler. A camp, awkward, badly acted Stifler.
'The Book Of Love' refers to the sex manual from the original movie.
Here's what went down:
Rob (Bug Hall) is a bland dude who wants to have sex. His friends want sex too. They go to college or a trip or something---- zzzzz, I really don't care anymore.
There's montages, breasts, parties.
With twenty minutes left, the whole 'Book' storyline kicks in randomly.
A bunch of nothing happens.
I'm not sure I even like films anymore. This has ruined it. I watched the films with my friend Pete. Here's his description of 'The Book Of Love':
"An hour of not much, then they found a book, made a book. Tits. That's about it."
I rate 'The Book Of Love' 0/10.
My summary of the four 'movies':
WTF? I don't understand these films! I don't get why people would watch them! They are just absolutely retarded. THERE IS NOT ONE GENUINE LAUGH IN THE WHOLE FOUR FILMS! I have never met anyone with a low enough IQ to enjoy these movies.
I just don't GET IT, at all. Some of the worst writing and directing I have ever seen.
WHY CALL THEM AMERICAN PIE? Why do it?
Did Eugene Levy need the pay cheque that badly? Was so surprised to see him in such awful movies. I hope they paid him well!
Why didn't they hire decent writers? Even if they knew it would be straight to DVD. Fair enough, Adam Herz was done with it, and no great screenwriter would want to go near it. But there must have been better upcoming screenwriters who could have maybe penned an original joke or two? Or the producers could have at least given the writers some screenwriting books to take a look at.
I am uneasy being this negative about films, but these are genuinely atrocious. I wouldn't even make my ex-girlfriend sit through them.
PLEASE AVOID THESE MOVIES AT ALL COSTS!!!!!