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Tuesday, 29 March 2011

SUBMARINE With My Friend PETE


So, we sat in our seats. Okay, they're not our seats, they belong to the cinema. I knew this because, when I own a seat, it doesn't smell of piss and popcorn. Anyway;

The trailers are on. We're watching. But the projection is awful. Look at the diagram. Not good right? At least, I didn't think so. Look at the blue rectangle in my image; awful. What the hell?

So I go outside to talk to the helpful cinema dude.

THE KID
The projection is fucked up. It's all kind of pushed to the right, it's a mess. 

HELPFUL DUDE
Huh?

THE KID 
It don't look right. 

HELPFUL DUDE
Okay. 

At this point he just kind of stares.

THE KID
Can you do something? 

HELPFUL DUDE
I'll have a look.

He comes in, he takes a look. He sees it sucks. 

HELPFUL DUDE
Okay, I'll let them know.

THE KID
Thanks.

So the movie starts. And it's still messed up. But everyone else is munching on popcorn, sitting in their piss seats, and texting their mistresses. Nobody gives a damn. Even my friend Pete is sitting there happily. I stormed out into the place where the helpful dude was standing around waiting to tear small pieces of paper in half.

THE KID 
What's happening with the thing? 

HELPFUL DUDE
Is it not fixed?

THE KID 
No. 

HELPFUL DUDE
I told them.

THE KID 
Great, but could something be done? 

HELPFUL DUDE
I'll have another look.

He comes into the screen again. He looks at it. He has a weird, bland, spaced out look that I can't fully describe.

HELPFUL DUDE
Is it not meant to be like that?

THE KID
Maybe. It is an arthouse flick.

HELPFUL DUDE
Oh okay. 

THE KID 
I'm joking; look--- can't you just get the projectionist to move the image or something?

HELPFUL DUDE
Apparently this film isn't full screen so it's okay. 

THE KID 
(defeated)
Okay, whatever. 

Care to share?

3 comments:

  1. That makes me LIVID! I once watched a movie where they didn't ever turn the lights down all the way, and I'm STILL paranoid that it will happen again. I hate it when it's not totally focused or the top is chopped off, like it's zoomed in or something, too.

    There are so many ways to mess this up, you'd think that the theaters would be more particular with their projectionists. I hate nothing more than having to get up and miss part of the film just to find someone to tell them that the picture sucks.

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  2. It's easy to screw things like this up, but it's usually easy to rectify them too. Sounds like you had a bad case of blasé projectionist, which I am often guilty of myself.

    Do you know if this was a digital show? If it was, it should've just been a case of adjusting the aim of the projector.

    It looks to me like you were watching a flat (widescreen) film on a cinemascope screen, but the picture was positioned off centre. Did the black masking (the curtain-type things on either side of the screen) not come across to shrink the screen at any point?

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