Wednesday 27 October 2010

Giving Myself Permission To Watch Films

I'm not sure when I got like this. One minute I was 14 and watching four movies a day. The next thing you know I'm quite a bit older and any time I watch a movie I feel guilty. Like I'm being unproductive. For me, watching a movie is like a weird, complex and secretive thing I have to do at times my inner critic will allow. It's like this.

Inner Critic: Dude, you can't sit around watching movies.

The Kid: Okay, but it's 3am! You can't expect me to be productive at three AM, can I watch a movie now?

Inner Critic: Ssssh, I'm napping.

And so I watch a movie at 3am. Or today. Today I am getting paid to edit. But, the first part of this job is uploading and converting. Which takes hours. So I was able to have some permission.

IC: Dude, do your job.

Kid: It's uploading, and converting, and all that stuff.

IC: Then work on your script.

Kid: I am not in the frame of mind for that, whilst I'm doing the other job.

IC: Find a location for the movie you're doing.

Kid: I'm editing.

IC: Hmm. But it's converting.

Kid: So I should watch a movie.

IC: That's not working.

Kid: Work is being done. I'll sneak in a movie. 1pm till 3pm. It's fine.

IC: Okay, fine. Be like that.

And that's how it's done. When did I get so insane? The truth of the matter is: I NEED movies. I need to watch them. I need to sit there and sink into the wonderful world of a good story and fascinating characters. But I give myself a hard time getting there.

Yesterday, I did a long job in the freezing cold in the middle of a field and it was all handheld and my equipment was getting ruined by torrential rain and it was all a bit insane. But it was hard work, and I got paid well, so my inner-critic went on vacation.

So when I got home, I felt like my day had value. I was able to watch a movie guilt free. I watched "ADVENTURELAND" and had the most fun I've had with a movie in about a year. But this is what I do to myself.

It's funny because; I do a lot of inner critic work and positive thinking and personal development and all that stuff -- but this issue, of film watching guilt still arises. It could be a negative thing, or maybe it's the part of me that makes sure I do a good day's work. I give myself a hard time and it leads to me watching a lot of films for seventeen minutes before turning them off so I can go and work on a script or whatever; but maybe it's a good thing; I watch less films now, but when I see them: I've really earned it. Like "THANK YOU FOR SMOKING" just now, or "ADVENTURELAND" last night.

Care to share?

1 comment:

  1. Ugh, I go through the same thing. I watch television because, as an actress who auditions for television shows, I want to know the style, tone, mood, and look of each show that's on the air. But I STILL feel guilty watching T.V.! I used to think it was the New Englander Puritan workaholic way I grew up. Now maybe I'm thinking it's an artist's thing...