Saturday 22 October 2011

Conversations With PETA

PETA recently wrote to Cameron Crowe about his new movie "We Bought A Zoo". They said:

"We Bought a Zoo conveys the misleading and downright dangerous message that no special knowledge--just a lot of heart--is needed to run a zoo."

Here is their email correspondence in full:

Dear Cameron Crowe,

Your film claims that all you need to run a zoo is "a big heart", whereas actually you need specialized training, as well as a place to store all of the food.

Please put a permanent subtitle across the lower part of the frame (around Matt Damon's chest area) reminding people not to start their own zoos.

Yours Sincerely,

Pam Bird

Dear Pam,

I totally understand where you are coming from (due to you providing your mailing address) but I feel the need to remind you that of course I would never mean to imply that ordinary people (or Europeans) should own animals traditionally found in a zoo. If we make a sequel, I would certainly like your advice, as the lions are particularly dangerous and have a tendency to flirt with the make-up artists.

We'll see you all again next year!

Cameron Crowe

Dear Cameron,

You don't seem to comprehend the importance of what I am saying. Help me, help you.

Regardless, I just want to check if you will indeed be carrying the subtitle reminding people not to own a zoo or a monkey without adequate training? This will need to appear towards the lower part of the screen, roughly near Matt Damon's stomach on a mid-shot.

Pam Bird

Dear Mrs Bird,

I have called Matt Damon's agent, but unfortunately she has been unable to get through to him. It would appear that ever since I gave Matt a giraffe, ostrich and wild panda he's been awfully busy. They cause a lot of hassle when he takes them to IHOP.

Despite leaving the ultimatum with his agent, whose identity I can't reveal, I don't feel I can commit to carrying your caption on my movie. I am not sure the general public needs to be warned against owning lions and tigers.

It's a slippery slope. If we start warning people about zoos,  we'd soon have to start warning them about drugs and guns, and frankly there'd be nothing fun left for us all to do.

By the way, what would you feed a poisonous python? Just curious.

It's all happening!

Cameron Crowe

Dear Cameron Crowe,

I am troubled by your casual approach to this issue. Maybe I should speak to Matt Damon personally. What's his number?

The treatment of animals in your film concerns me. Animals deserve equality, the same opportunities as humans. That's how I got my job.

I must demand you place a caption on your movie reminding people about the dangers of wild animals. I'd feel much more comfortable speaking to Matt Damon personally about this. I really enjoyed 'The Departed'.

I'm not letting you get rid of me. How about that?

Pam Bird

Dear Pam,

Sorry for my delay in responding. I was just out buying a boat packed with radar equipment and a cage. I knew I shouldn't have watched Jaws.

I would like to end correspondence with you. I would also like you to put a notice on your website reminding pet owners not to accept popcorn in a cinema if it is not provided in a box or bag, just in case they think its wise to carry the popcorn in their bare hands.

We'll see you all again on 1974,


Care to share?


  1. "It's all happening!" -- Hahahahahahaha!

  2. This is priceless. : ) I always have to shake my head when I hear some of this. It all sounds like an oxymoron to me. Truth in reverse. Why all my friends have elephants in their living rooms, it's a bit stinky but they keep the place warm hahaha. Thanks for sharing it- too funny.

  3. This was priceless, really enjoyed reading, thanks for sharing it with us.