Saturday 7 July 2012

Movie Kind of Way

I was desperate to meet a woman in the movie kind of way. By the movie kind of way, I mean any way that doesn't involve Facebook. Having said that, they did make a movie about the making of Facebook, so I considered making Facebook as a way of meeting women, but found out it's already been done. And the guy didn't meet any women.

I thought about reading a book on a train. It worked for that guy in 'Before Sunrise'. It made a lot of sense --  I would sit there with a fascinating book, and the lovely girl opposite wouldn't be able to resist saying to me, "Oh wow, you like Enid Blyton too?" Not that I like Enid Blyton. I mean, how can I? She's dead. I would have to be reading something that captures who and what I am. Or better yet, I should just read whatever it is I am currently reading. And what that is, is 'Hitler's Reich'. This probably is not something that will attract women. But then, what does? As it turns out, nothing. I spent two weeks on the train with a variety of books, but none of them noticed me (the women, not the books). I didn't take it personally, as they noticed NONE of the men. They were too busy reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey'.

I looked to my favourite films for inspiration. As much as I love 'Groundhog Day', I don't think becoming a weathercaster and repeating the same day over and again is advisable, so I've decided to do something more realistic. I've decided to work undercover for the FBI, like Leo DiCaprio did in 'The Departed'. That's how he got to talk to the lovely and seductive therapist.

Things got off to a great start. I joined the FBI and they sent me undercover with a Boston gang; and I had the greatest time. But still, unfortunately, my love life was suffering. I needed to meet someone in the movie kind of way. And that was when it happened: I got to see the therapist.

The therapist was incredible, everything I have ever dreamed of. And by that, I mean; everything I have ever dreamed of in a therapist. Not in a woman. Unless the woman you want is Robin Williams in 'Good Will Hunting', but it wasn't what I was after.

I realised that if I was to ever meet a woman in the movie kind of way, I would need to leave the FBI and live inside a rom-com.

It took three weeks of listening to the radio for me to finally come across a call-in show where people pour their hearts out. It wasn't the three weeks that bothered me so much, it was that there is absolutely nothing for a grown man to do in Seattle. That's when it hit me -- I wasn't meant to be in Seattle. Tom Hanks was in Seattle, but Meg Ryan was in a whole different town, like Alabama or somewhere. I needed to be in another State, to be the listener person who hears the call, and THEN I should head back to Seattle to find the man of my dreams, except that the man will be a woman because I'm doing it the other way around.

I remembered that Meg Ryan was in New York, and not Alabama, because of that whole scene at the end in the Empire State Building. I got to New York and immediately began listening to the radio.

Another three weeks went by.

Then I realised there was absolutely no logic to me being the Meg Ryan character. It would have been much easier for me to call up the radio show and pour MY heart out, and then a hot woman (who cries a little too much) would find me! Yes. This would be EASY! All I needed to do was head back to Seattle.

I decided to take a road trip on the way back to Seattle. After two days of solid driving, I stopped in a hotel. I couldn't stop thinking about the movie 'One Night Stand'. Wesley Snipes and that Natasha woman have a one night stand, in a hotel. And that was exactly where I was, a hotel! It was like destiny! I wanted love, not a one night stand; but a one night stand would do, at least to begin with. And anyway, their one night stand was quite romantic. And it only happened because they got mugged. It made them feel closer. I needed to meet a woman and find a way for us to both get mugged. 

This is how woeful my life is -- I can get mugged and beaten with ease, but try getting me to say hello to a pretty woman. I didn't know what my next move should be. The character I most relate to, who gets the girl, is Paulie Bleeker in 'Juno'. But he'd already met the girl at the beginning of the movie, which is unfair! If my life is a movie, it began the moment I was born, and frankly I was in no state to be chatting up women.

I got depressed. I am so old school and romantic. I just want LOVE! That's why I was so desperate to find a wonderful woman and take her directly to a violent mugging. Or to hear a woman crying on a radio show, so that I could cross the country just to find her and tell her she's the love of my life. Why don't women share these values?

Care to share?


  1. Wow, no comments? OK, I'll start.

    The reason this brilliant plan failed is that Meg Ryan's character didn't actually *live* in NY, she lived in Baltimore. She only went to NY for Valentine's day. Therefore, I suggest you start over from there.

    There is literally no way this plan will not work now.

    P.S. Loved the story

  2. Thanks for the comment.

    And that was the point, that the dude doesn't really have a clue with anything regarding 'Sleepless...'! :)

  3. Your plan was doomed to fail Kid, because regardless of whether she lived in Alabama, Baltimore or New York the Meg Ryan character would've hooked up with me over 20 years ago.

    Meg would've retired from her acting career and we'd be living in a ranch out in Montana with half a dozen children.

    If only life was like the movies!

  4. I really want to meet Julia Roberts but so far, I'm 10 people short and we can't book a room in Vegas. Can you believe Clooney, Pitt and Damon haven't returned my call?

    What am I doing wrong? Don't they know this is important to me?

  5. Great story, Kid! All of it's hilarious, but I burst out laughing at this: "I just want LOVE! That's why I was so desperate to find a wonderful woman and take her directly to a violent mugging."