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Wednesday, 1 June 2011


It was recently reported in the major press, as well as the UK's The Daily Mail, that killer cucumbers and salads are sweeping across Europe and killing lots of people. I have decided to provide a helpful survival guide for those who are concerned that we may be seeing the bloodiest vegetable related conflict ever to sweep through our lands.

1. Do not do any sweeping with vegetables.

2. Do not enter into a conversation with a cucumber unless it is one you have spoken to previously.

3. It has been reported that Salads are also dangerous, although It's unknown precisely which style of salads. Some experts have warned that salads including iceberg lettuce with thousand island dressing may cause symptoms.

4. Killer cucumbers are especially dangerous if frozen and used as weapons.

5. Please be aware that it is not all cucumbers that are evil, only a very small minority of fundamentalists.

6. Wash ALL vegetables.

7. There are an estimated 783 billion vegetables on the planet at any one time, therefore, to wash ALL vegetables, we should start no later than 6am.

8. Do not blame vegetarians. They are to blame for many things but there is no evidence linking them to killer cucumbers.

9. Do not try and kill vegetarians with cucumbers (even if they preach about animal rights in an authoritative tone)

10. If you see a cucumber acting suspiciously, don't eat it.

Care to share?


  1. I'm late, sorry, the Daily Fail distracted me with hate so I had to wash it. Let's go!

  2. Thank you for not blaming the vegetarians. There won't be anyone to voluntarily wash all the vegetables!!!

  3. The Black Death has returned...

  4. Terrifying. I need to destroy the cucumbers in my garden immediately. But maybe U.S. cucumbers are safe...will destroy anyway.