You're Gonna Get Screwed Over

It's unavoidable. You're going to give a script away to an enthusiastic producer who promises the world and then takes it all from you. Or you're going to be a camera operator for four months on the promise of a deferred payment that never comes because it wasn't on paper. Or you'll pay some charlatan from Craigslist a year's wages because of some scheme he's running that you think will make you successful.

You think you're wise, but you're not. Because everyone has this story. We're so hungry for success, that we dive in and trust people. But this industry always has and always will attract people who betray that trust. And when we begin we begin naively, and we do things because we think we'll get the credits, and we think there are shortcuts.

But you'll accidentally sign a bad script deal that you should've got a lawyer to look at. And you'll spend your money on some bullshit course that you should've got your parent's wisdom-like advice on first.

Your instincts as an individual are the key to being an artist. But artists are also dumb and naive. We sign bullshit deals. We give our rights over, we work too hard, and we let someone else pick up the rewards.

First time it happens you wanna vomit. The second time it happens you wanna quit. Eventually you just become wise, and you know how to handle yourself, and your art, and your value. You stop making the bad deal.

Everyone has this story.

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I Dream Of New York City

And it's some time since I've been.

I need to come see you, to look up at lights on Broadway, and finally feel at home again.

New York, I want to drink coffee with you on the Lower East Side, want to walk with you through the West sixties.

Memories of the past, and dreams of the future, they all lead back to you, New York, New York.

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Rained Out

I thought a t-shirt would be fine. But this is England, and it rained.

Then again, of course it did. If you're ever in London and there's non-stop rain, you can be sure the Kid In The Front Row is shooting exteriors.

Not that anything got shot today. Money went down the drain as hours rolled by and we all stood around in tiny pockets of shelter from the London rain.

If you're shooting in London and want to go for a summer look, film in Spain. Edit out the beaches using CGI. That's how you can spot my films: set in gritty London but with bikini-clad Spanish women strolling by.

The rain just wouldn't stop today. It's that rain that soaks through every part of your body, and you don't get dry for days. But you're extremely hungry, so you eat your snacks even though the rain is soaking through your packet of salt & vinegar, and your coffee keeps filling up because the downpour is so heavy.

It was cold. I dressed for June. Mistake.

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The Shawshank Redemption 2

Pitch me your ideas for the sequel. The best idea/funniest idea/idea that most intrigues me, will win a DVD copy of something in my collection that I want to get rid of (it's a bad prize, but then you're winning an award for planning a sequel to Shawshank, which makes you kind of evil).

Don't email me, put your ideas in the comments for all to see!

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KILLER CUCUMBERS Survival Guide

It was recently reported in the major press, as well as the UK's The Daily Mail, that killer cucumbers and salads are sweeping across Europe and killing lots of people. I have decided to provide a helpful survival guide for those who are concerned that we may be seeing the bloodiest vegetable related conflict ever to sweep through our lands.

1. Do not do any sweeping with vegetables.

2. Do not enter into a conversation with a cucumber unless it is one you have spoken to previously.

3. It has been reported that Salads are also dangerous, although It's unknown precisely which style of salads. Some experts have warned that salads including iceberg lettuce with thousand island dressing may cause symptoms.

4. Killer cucumbers are especially dangerous if frozen and used as weapons.

5. Please be aware that it is not all cucumbers that are evil, only a very small minority of fundamentalists.

6. Wash ALL vegetables.

7. There are an estimated 783 billion vegetables on the planet at any one time, therefore, to wash ALL vegetables, we should start no later than 6am.

8. Do not blame vegetarians. They are to blame for many things but there is no evidence linking them to killer cucumbers.

9. Do not try and kill vegetarians with cucumbers (even if they preach about animal rights in an authoritative tone)

10. If you see a cucumber acting suspiciously, don't eat it.

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