It occurred to me this morning; in the midst of creative burn out, that I have two options. I can struggle to write, force ideas, and beat myself up for not getting anywhere. Or I can have a sandwich, spend time with friends, and have a nice cup of tea. Either way; I'm not writing or creating anything useful, so I may as well accept it and be happy with what the burn out is telling me.
I have written a feature this year, I've put a short out, I've written a blog on a daily basis; and by and large have been very happy with the quality of the output. I have also taken on other projects in the past few months; filming and editing videos every week for a charity organization, doing filming work with psychotherapists - and many other things. I can conclude that, yes, I've been busy.
As soon as I wrote a feature screenplay a couple of months ago, I immediately set the task of creating a new one. Being that the one I wrote wasn't a comedy, and I'm most comfortable in comedy, I felt pressed to begin another screenplay. Hence I've had a month of trying to force it out when there's not, really, anything to force out. It's like going to the bathroom; you can do it when you're ready or you can force it out early and cause yourself a lot of damage.
The burn out is a message, either I've done enough work for now or I have nothing to say at this moment in time. The problem with us creative fools is that we feel major guilt and anger when we don't create. But years from now, when we look back at our successful careers - whether we created or didn't create on this particular Thursday and Friday will hold little relevance.
A factor in this is external pressure, or perceived external pressure. Everyone I know tends to see me as creative, always doing something. I've often found myself playing up to that role. When people ask 'Kid, what are you working on?' I feel a pressure to name six things and have an excited look on my face. It gets harder and harder to say "I have nothing on the go right now, maybe I'll make a ham salad sandwich."
It can be really crippling to be asked what you're working on; because the question can often be an attack. The attack is "I work 9-5 in a hard underpaid job, supporting my family and paying my bills. So Mr Filmmaker, what have you been doing?"
This is crippling because you feel a victim of their judgement. Personal growth, or psychological growth (whatever you want to call it) has allowed me to not be oppressed by the question; I take it on board and say; "I'm working on a sandwich today. Ham salad."
More often than not though; nobody is attacking me or pressuring me, I'm doing it to myself. And that, in essence, creates burn out, or is at least a large factor. Not only do I create, I also do it when resting; I am constantly on the look out for ideas. I was watching 'Ally McBeal' the other night; and I recognized that when I watched it ten years ago, I was completely involved-- but this time I was half involved, half thinking about starting a script, wondering what I had to say; and considering blogging about it. And this is NOT 'Kid In The Front Row' behaviour. I want to be passionately involved in watching things I love and passionately involved in creativity; but I want them to be separate.
And therein lies the lesson of this particular burnout. It has enabled me to regain that rested, happy child who wants to hide out in his room and watch 'Ally McBeal.' I am thankful for that!
Here's the trailer:
