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Saturday, 1 May 2010

People Who Push My Buttons.

INT. CINEMA - EVENING
The Kid is in line to get some popcorn. Although, he's not getting popcorn, he's getting a tea, because that's what front-row sitting English people do.

KID
Could I have a tea, please?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
Why not?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
We're not serving any tea
at the moment.


KID
Is it broken?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
Not exactly.

KID
Then could I get a tea?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I'm not authorized to use it.

PETE
Is Ellen Page in this film?

KID
(to Pete)
No, hold on..
(to Dude)
You're not authorized to press
the 'hot water' button?


DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I've not been trained.

KID
No worries. I'm trained. I'm trained on
making tea. Can I make myself a tea?


DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
I'll just press the 'hot water'
button and that's it. Seriously,
I'm fully trained.


DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I'm new here, I've not been
trained on the tea and coffee
machine.


KID
Do they send you on a course?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
It's a health and safety thing.

KID
Dude, look - I just want a tea.
You just gotta put a tea bag
in one of those cups and press
a button.


DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

The Fat Lady Behind The Thing comes trundling along, with a smug look on her face.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
Can I help you?

KID
I'd like a tea.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
We're not serving tea at the moment.

KID
Would you like me to train you
on the hot water button?


THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
I'm trained, thank you. But I
am not currently working on
this section.


KID
So how can you help me?

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
What makes you think I want to help you?

KID
You said 'How Can I Help You?'

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
What is that supposed to mean?

KID
I'm confused.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
You're in a cinema.

KID
Thank you, I realize that. Is
anyone here trained on pressing
the hot water button?


THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
No, not tonight.

KID
Is anyone trained on pressing any
button, or, if not, could you train
them today?


THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
I have extensive experience making tea,
drinking tea, and pressing buttons. I even
pressed the button on the ticket thing
over there, with no training.


THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
I'm sorry, but there'll be no use
of this machine tonight.


A Very Small Lady appears at the side of the thing.

VERY SMALL LADY BY THE SIDE OF THE THING
Deirdre, let's go for a break.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
Good idea, Maureen, I fancy a tea.

Care to share?

4 comments:

  1. they serve TEA in cinemas!?!? (although apparently not). Wow, I did not know that... xxx

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  2. Can't believe they didn't serve the tea! Would have staged a mini-Boston Tea Party revolt in the middle of the cinema...That probably wouldn't go over well there...haha. Love the part with Pete... Can really see the image there of...look, only one nonsensical thing at a time, please!

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  3. If that really happened, astounding. Write a script, and include that scene.

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  4. I feel like that scene plays out on my life at least once a week with slight variations. Great re-telling. Love you site and will for sure be back. Thx for the comment on mine which brought me over to you!

    ReplyDelete