Sunday 24 March 2013

Concentration, And Other Things, Probably

It's so hard these days, to watch a movie, to read a book, to hold a conversation. I want to run so fast into so many corners; climb the hills and dive into ideas and scramble through every ambition I find I have.

Every film is so long, I want them over in two minutes so I can be on to the next thing. But two minutes is so short, I want to watch a twenty hour movie. I want to watch a twenty hour movie and at the same time make twenty movies and write fifteen screenplays and argue with the girl I like and sleep but stay awake the whole time because there's just so many things I want to do.

And most days, I feel like there's nothing I want to do. What do I really want to achieve? I don't know. But then we go for coffee and I tell you I want to move to New York and move to Australia and explore Africa and cycle in Amsterdam. I want to write a film, direct a web-series, produce a TV show. Sometimes I want to do it all so much, other times I want to sink away because I don't know what I want to do with life.

And most of the time I'm achieving nothing. Until someone reminds me I've achieved so much of everything.

So I think about doing less, so I can focus on more. But other times I'm almost sure I'm doing nothing and need to put more thought into absolutely everything.

It's good to look back. What were you doing three years or only three months ago? How far have you come? What new stuff do you know?

I write better I eat better and I care better. And slowly things make more sense, even though often they make less sense.

I have no clarity mixed with absolute and complete clarity.

I want to meditate. I want to relax. I want a beach.

But I want to edit in the morning, direct in the afternoon, write before dinner and then have a meeting for dessert. I want it all. I want nothing. I don't know and I don't know and do I ever know?

Care to share?


  1. Brilliant post. Love it when you can actually see someone's thoughts just explode into writing. I know that feeling you have, like your body isn't big enough to contain who you are, yet your not sure what to do with it.

  2. Great piece. You've basically described the daily workings of my brain and the ongoing conflict within it.