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Friday, 5 October 2012

LA/London - The Writer and Producer Emails

Dear Laura,

Thank you so much for agreeing to write the feature film "Julie and the Soldier". You are the only writer for the job and the only person we trust to be able to give the project to.

I will now leave you alone to work your magic. I always thought Julie being French would be a nice touch.

Yours,

Derek, Producer.

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Dear Derek,

Yay! Thank you so much for hiring me. Have been wanting this job so passionately for so long and it's great that I can now do the all important thing: write it.

I'll begin tomorrow, at 9am sharp, after-all the deadline is only four weeks away! Also, Julie can't be French. The film is about an English farm girl who's never been out of England. To make her French would, I fear, confuse the story!

Yours,

Laura


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Hey Laura,

Totally get where you're coming from. I like it. Definitely think Laura should be English. I guess what I meant was that she could have a French side to her. Something in the attitude.

Also, I didn't know whether to tell you or not. Brad Pitt is interested. Just saying. 

Derek

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Hi Derek,

Great that Brad Pitt is interested. But what is he interested in? A role in the film, or a date with me? If it's a role in the film, do you see him as little Julie, or the soldier? Remember that the soldier is retired, in his nineties, and missing an arm.

If on the other hand you mean Mr Pitt wants a date, let me know with some advance notice so I can shave my legs and send the husband out for groceries :D

Laura T.


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Laura --- find him something. Maybe a quick-witted mailroom guy. Not too comedy. HA.

D.

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Hi Derek,

Thanks for your email but I must admit I'm a bit baffled. The story is set on a British farm, where Laura and the soldier are cut off from society. What kind of mailroom would this be?

How about if we just trust that I can deliver a story based on the beautiful novel, and we'll go from there once we have a first draft. Is that okay? -Laura


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Hi Derek,

I know you're very busy, but I'm just checking in. Is it okay to move ahead without the mailroom scene?

Laura.

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Laura,

I'm paying you to write the movie. A mailroom is not realistic. Stick to the world of the story.

Need first draft on Friday. Investors. Don't ask.

Thanks,

Derek Jacowski


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Derek!!!!

The deadline isn't for two weeks! No way can I write a FEATURE FILM in the next 27 hours. Maybe you were joking?

Laura


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Laura,

Just come from a meeting with McDonalds. It's a go. Try work it in somehow.

Derek

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Hi Derek,

Again, lost. Work McDonalds into the script? It's a 1940's story about friendship, set on a distant English farm. You want me to add a drive-thru? And all in the next five hours?

Laura

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Laurahi

had drinks with the studio guys.

Wot color is ur bra.

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Dear Laura,

I just want to apologise for any messages you got last night. I think someone used my phone. Ignore it. Strange.

Aside from that--- the deadline has passed. I need that first draft. I'm meeting the investors at 3pm. Get the screenplay to me by 2, no excuses.

Yours Sincerely,
Derek Jacowski

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Dear Derek, the Producer

My bra is white, with multi-coloured threading, it looks like a Smarties Mcflurry. You have as much chance of seeing it as you do of me putting McDonalds in a period drama.

The deadline is unrealistic.

Laura T.


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Dear Laura,

We seem to be having some conflict. Conflict is good, it shows we are both passionate about the project.

Not to worry, I took the meeting and showed them your first 50 pages. Then I pitched them the McDonalds bit, they went for it so it's a definite GO.

And don't worry, I know you're all about the integrity, they've promised to make the McDonalds logo ancient-looking.

Let's put to bed our recent conflicts and focus on our great movie.

Derek Jacowski,
Producer
Winner of 2 Emnys 
'Producer To Watch Out For' 2006 (Michigan Arts Quarterly)

Care to share?

3 comments:

  1. Kid - just completed an interview with the great Don Bluth (animator and director of The Secret of NIMH, American Tail, Land Before Time, etc.), and based on some of the Hollywood stories he told me, your post has the ring of truth to it. Makes me want to say, "Screw the money!" and go curl up in my corner and keep writing what makes me happy...

    By the way, the interview will be posted on my blog (www.thunderstrokes.com) once I finish transcribing (and condensing) the two-plus hours of material. We talked a lot about art, and creativity, and making movies, along with some deeper philosophical stuff. You and some of your readers may enjoy it.

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  2. Hilarious! Love this. Because it's so true.

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