Thursday 4 October 2012

Cinema Pee Strategy

I need to pee. I'm in the middle of the isle. No way can I get out. Their legs are so big. If I leave now I'll fall over everybody. And I'll miss something important. Although nobody who pees ever misses anything important. It's like we're trained to urinate right at the moment when James Bond is just chilling out by the bar with nothing to do. 

If I climb over the row in front of me, knock the bald guy out of the way and head to the emergency exit, I should be able to pee-and-return quicker than Sebastian Vettel can make a pit stop. 

They should invent a pair of headphones that gives me the audio track of the movie to listen to while I pee. They probably don't need to invent a new type of headphone, I don't know. Maybe I can stay at home, listen to the whole movie on the special headphones. That would save me from having to make any kind of trip at all. Plus I don't need to ask a stranger in a baseball cap where the toilet is. 

I don't actually have to pee. I'm just anticipating that I will. Probably because this coke-flavoured-water is so big. Do I pee prior to needing to pee or do I wait until I definitely need to pee or hold on until it's too late? Problem is, if I don't go now I'll keep thinking about the fact I'll need to go soon.

That hot girl over there saw me go into the toilet before the film started. That was only eleven minutes ago. She'll know I have a weak bladder. 

I should come back with popcorn, that'll fool her. Maybe another flat-coke too. What is this film about?

The women's toilet is actually much nearer. What is gender anyway? Just a social construct. I'm going to pee in the women's toilet. Wearing headphones.

That girl over there sure is gorgeous. I wish my girlfriend wasn't blocking my view of her.

If I pee now, there's still 64 minutes left. This may need to be a 2-pee strategy. I'm not sure I can do that. Everyone in the cinema will know.

I need to turn my phone on and run out of the screen yelling, "hold on, I'm in the cinema," then everyone will think it's a business call rather than a nature call.

I wonder if anyone else is on a 2-pee strategy. I need someone else to go first. But now I really have to go. Even the awkward-leg-fold isn't helping. My girlfriend isn't impressed. She's started eyeing up the hot girl.

Care to share?


  1. Flat screens in the stalls, barcodes on the tickets. Swipe your ticket and get the movie streaming into your stall. Only one person per stall please.

  2. Hehee!! "The women's toilet is actually much nearer. What is gender anyway? Just a social construct." That ripped a surprised chuckle out of me. This is hilarious...great ending ;)

  3. Please tell me you weren't writing this on your phone, in the cinema, during a film...