Saturday, 20 November 2010
The Best Of Neither Worlds
I am realizing that I don't rest, and I also don't work hard. When I'm working hard I'm dreaming of resting, and when I'm resting, I'm not resting at all; because I feel guilty for not doing anything. So my life goes like this..
Do some writing.... But keep flicking around on Facebook trying to get out of my brain.... Tell myself I need a break... put on a DVD.... realize I need to edit that video project..... Start editing.... Remember that I haven't read all the script contest entries yet..... read a script.... feel tired... decide to go to bed..... start getting pissed off that I haven't had a new script idea recently.... get up in middle of the night and bash out ten pages of a script... realise I need sleep... go to sleep.... wake up determined to do something amazing..... sit around feeling uninspired... write a blog post about how inspired I am... feel that I need to see my friends... arrange to see my friends..... keep emailing my film's producer whilst out with friends........
And so on! I am finding that I am not FULLY engaged in my creative work, because I always want to be doing NOTHING. But whenever the chance comes up to do nothing, I am determined to do EVERYTHING.
So nothing gets done, and nothing gets-- errr, not done. And I've known this for a while but am realising now that, it's getting to the point where it could be a problem.
I am realizing, of course, that both are important. But what is important, is to do them consciously. I need to allow myself to rest. That's what I am going to do tomorrow. I need to drink tea and see my friends and realize the value in those things. And I can even watch three movies back to back if I want to.