Thursday 7 January 2010

The Definitive Review Of Avatar 3D - Where The Blue Man Group Defend The Cheese.

Firstly, well done to James Cameron for doing 3D, I was absolutely delighted when the cinema handed me some Woody Allen shades. That's Woody Allen glasses but the ones he wears when it's sunny (he hates the sun so people rarely see Woody Allen shades, unless going to see Avatar in a multiplex). When you see the 3D it's obvious where the extra $200million went - making bits of tree branch hang outside the frame and having insects buzz around between the screen and your seat (somewhere around the 3rd row). The characters heads are also slightly more round looking.

The story is about a bunch of American army people who go to some weird land - but they're not going there for nice reasons, no, they're going there because they want some special stuff. A bit like the oil in Iraq but this film had nothing to do with Iraq, of course, so instead they were going for something other than oil, I dunno, Kryptonite or something... but for the sake of simplicity, we'll call it cheese. The Americans were invading the far-away-other-world-jungle-place in order to get the cheese which was important to them. In the land far away, lived some people who were blue people. Not blue in mood, but in colour. I forget the name of their people, so I'll call them the Blue Man Group.

So anyways, the American army people are keen to invade the Blue Man Group in order to get the oil/cheese that is very important to them. However, one American army man who is being a bit of a spy in the Blue world (a bit like Di Caprio in The Departed) happens to fall in love with a Blue Man Woman, and therefore, he wants to save the Blue Man Group and their land from the bad American people.

But the bad American people are after the cheese, they want it really bad. A bit like they wanted the oil for their cars. And in an attempt to make this point subtly, the characters use phrases like 'shock and awe,' and ramble on about 'terror.'

Anyways, it's all very lovely and fun how Cameron and his Hollywood people try to give everybody a lesson on morality.. but then, of course, the film becomes a bit retarded because it thinks it's preaching peace.. but their way of showing that is a bit dumb.

Basically, the Blue Man Group, realising their cheese and their 3D trees and the Blue Man Woman are all under threat, decide to defend themselves. They do this by getting all of their clan people together (both 2D and 3D) and then the American-Army-Blue-Man-Traitor gives them a little pep talk (like Al Pacino in that American football movie) about how they must defend their land. so all of the Blue Man Group get together with their bo-&-arrows, Blue Man Dinosaurs and 3D bits of tree and decide to attack the Americans. You see, in Hollywood, the idea of peace is when the baddies get a taste of their medicine when the goodies finally group together to teach them a lesson. It's fighting conflict-with-conflict. War mentality with war mentality.

So loads of things get blown up and then all the Earth people go back to Earth, knowing their planet is dying because back on Earth people don't recycle their bags and people keep bombing each other.

If we're going to make films preachy, and we're going to make them about war... and peace, then why not do it properly? Fighting conflict with conflict doesn't solve anything. If the Iraqi children and mothers start throwing sticks at Americans, that's no better than the Americans blowing up their schools - we need a more open dialogue between us all. We need to realise that in America, everybody wants somewhere safe for their children to play and somewhere where the parents can earn a living, and at the weekends they can take a drive to the countryside. In Iraq, Afghanistan and in the Blue Man Group World, they want...... somewhere safe for their children to play and somewhere where the parents can earn a living, and at the weekends they can take a drive to the countryside. And the only way that happens is when we withdraw from blame, when we withdraw from taking sides. Instead, we go deeper. We look inside the other person until we see ourselves. Until we realise every bomb is dropped out of fear, every gun is fired (weirdly) out of want for safety, hope.

A Ku Klux Klan member, An Islamic Fundamentalist, A Republican-- they don't do their crazy stuff for fun, or because they like inflicting pain, it's because they have fear and because they feel threatened. It's time to address those things in each of us. And then, finally, we might find ways to live more peacefully.

Care to share?


  1. I don't want to see this movie. My husband is dragging me. We tried the other night 9PM on a Tuesday, sold out.

    Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

  2. PS The fact that you called them Blue Man Group is hilarious! AKA Smurfs.

  3. Very original review! Loved it :)

  4. Nominated you for the bloggies, the tenth annual weblog awards. Best Entertainment blog. Good luck!

  5. The real blue man group is fun. Id advise you to see that instead

  6. Well said.
    I haven't seen the film as of yet (I'd heard many mixed reviews) but the point you make of fighting against war with war, not wanting to take blame, people not wanting to admit they may have made a mistake and instead forge ahead blindly just for the sake of it is sadly true. It's been a human mistake for ages. Though I have hope more and more people are starting to think like this review and hopefully, in the future, we can be a more peaceful planet. The will is there--the hope is there. Now we just need to turn off our television sets, get up off the couches and go start talking with people. Actually communicating. Then maybe more minds can be encouraged to form their own opinions instead of what the local news networks spew out on any given evening. (American "news" is total shock and entertainment value. It's sickening, really. More of an obituary than news. That's for another day.)

    On a less serious note, the bit about calling oil/Avatar planet resource etc "cheese" was hilarious.

    Very intriguing review. Cameron would be pleased he had a viewer leave and really give his film this amount of thought.