Sunday 2 May 2010

Not About Pasta But About A Sci-Fi Festival & 'The Joneses'

My meeting finished at 12.55, and I decided to go and see a film. I loaded up the flickster app on my phone to find out what the next movie to start was; and it was 'The Joneses' at the Apollo Cinema. Two thoughts crossed my mind. One was about pasta, and irrelevant to this blog. The other, was about the fact that I had never been to see a film at the Apollo cinema, nor had I ever eaten pasta there.
The place was bustling. I immediately got the feeling that some kind of geekfest was going on, especially after seeing two guys arguing about a spaceship and another guy with no teeth carrying a plastic sword. After buying my ticket and heading down towards the screen; I noticed the geekfest in full swing. Namely, quite a few guys in dark clothing talking about spaceship type things and wondering why there were no girls around.

If I sound like I'm mocking them, I am. However, to be honest, I felt a bit jealous. I love film, don't get me wrong. But I don't get genre erections like these people do. My love for film is a love for pretty standard stuff. The stuff you don't get geekfests for. These guys came together for their common love; spaceships, male bonding over spaceships, and books about spaceships. And I felt jealous. How great it is that they can all get together to see the eagerly awaited 'Daleks Invasion Earth 2150AD' and be stupendously excited about it. Not only that but they could buy the book about it whilst eating a cupcake and talking about other similar spaceship movies.

This is the great power of film-- how people can love a very specific thing and enjoy it together, and enjoy it together naked (I got the impression they were all going to get naked. A big naked geekfest. I could be wrong).

I sat and waited for 'The Joneses' to start. The film started at 1.05pm, except that it didn't. 1.15pm arrived and nothing was happening on screen. I was about to go and inform one of the staff that the projectionist was sleeping but then a grumpy dude from the back row stormed out in a rush. So I assumed he was taking care of business. Not totally sure what happened, but I suspect a sleeping projectionist. Probably because he's been made to watch Sci-Fi movies all week.
So, 'The Joneses.' David Duchnovny and Demi Moore were a real treat. You can just see how they had a blast with this movie. Duchovny has such great screen charisma; you just imagine him strolling onto the set, joking around, and barely noticing they've said 'Action!.' Demi Moore is a complete pro, and completely natural - she's instantly compelling on screen. Watching the two of them, it was plain, simple, movie-watching bliss. They just know how to bring it. The script was fine, the concept interesting - but the highlight, definitely, is the two old pros in front of the camera.

The Geekfest, if you're interested, is the Sci-Fi London Film Festival and, joking aside, looks like a well-run and interesting festival. It's just not my cup of space tea. And I prefer to be clothed when watching movies in public.

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Charlie Chaplin Statue in Leicester Square, London


I had no idea this existed. How could I not know about this!?










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Saturday 1 May 2010

I hope you're okay, Pee-Man.

To the person who found my blog today by searching 'I desperately want to pee' on google, I just want to say -- I hope you're okay.


And I want to apologize. You came to my blog hoping to find the answer for how to pee, or perhaps to find somebody else who, similarly, wants to pee. And instead, you found a bunch of posts about filmmaking.

My recommendation is that, should you ever desperately need to pee again, you should just go for it, rather than waste valuable time searching through Google results. Whilst these can be fascinating, they will only exasperate the problem, which can lead to you doing serious damage - especially if you pee all over the motherboard.

Best wishes.

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People Who Push My Buttons.

INT. CINEMA - EVENING
The Kid is in line to get some popcorn. Although, he's not getting popcorn, he's getting a tea, because that's what front-row sitting English people do.

KID
Could I have a tea, please?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
Why not?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
We're not serving any tea
at the moment.


KID
Is it broken?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
Not exactly.

KID
Then could I get a tea?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I'm not authorized to use it.

PETE
Is Ellen Page in this film?

KID
(to Pete)
No, hold on..
(to Dude)
You're not authorized to press
the 'hot water' button?


DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I've not been trained.

KID
No worries. I'm trained. I'm trained on
making tea. Can I make myself a tea?


DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
I'll just press the 'hot water'
button and that's it. Seriously,
I'm fully trained.


DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I'm new here, I've not been
trained on the tea and coffee
machine.


KID
Do they send you on a course?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
It's a health and safety thing.

KID
Dude, look - I just want a tea.
You just gotta put a tea bag
in one of those cups and press
a button.


DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

The Fat Lady Behind The Thing comes trundling along, with a smug look on her face.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
Can I help you?

KID
I'd like a tea.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
We're not serving tea at the moment.

KID
Would you like me to train you
on the hot water button?


THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
I'm trained, thank you. But I
am not currently working on
this section.


KID
So how can you help me?

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
What makes you think I want to help you?

KID
You said 'How Can I Help You?'

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
What is that supposed to mean?

KID
I'm confused.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
You're in a cinema.

KID
Thank you, I realize that. Is
anyone here trained on pressing
the hot water button?


THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
No, not tonight.

KID
Is anyone trained on pressing any
button, or, if not, could you train
them today?


THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
I have extensive experience making tea,
drinking tea, and pressing buttons. I even
pressed the button on the ticket thing
over there, with no training.


THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
I'm sorry, but there'll be no use
of this machine tonight.


A Very Small Lady appears at the side of the thing.

VERY SMALL LADY BY THE SIDE OF THE THING
Deirdre, let's go for a break.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
Good idea, Maureen, I fancy a tea.

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Reader Poll.

I am interested to know why it is you come back to Kid In The Front Row. When there's a new post, what are you hoping to read? I think I can be somewhat erratic in my style; sometimes writing in depth about director's, sometimes rambling nonsensically about a trip to the cinema, sometimes interviewing film professionals, etc.

I don't know whether you like this style, or whether you dismiss 90% of posts and hold out for the 10% you like. Whatever the answers, please take the poll on the left-hand side of the webpage, and if you have any additional comments - please leave them here.

Thanks!

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