Wednesday 16 September 2009

A Story About Tea Addiction.

Last week I posted a short story about Understanding Your Dreams which to my great surprise many of you found better than terrible, so I hope you don't mind my indulgence if I post one more short story today, and then I promise to get back to the reason you are all here, films. This is an article about the tragic and often misunderstood problem sweeping many parts of the world, but is particularly prominent here in the U.K.

A Short Story By The Kid In the Front Row - Understanding Tea Addiction

Tea addiction is generally classed as one of the least bothersome addictions. The main signs of tea addiction are headaches, brown teeth and dressing like your grandparents. Those who have been inflicted with tea obsession often feel helpless due to how unversed medical professionals are on the subject, as they normally say to patients, "let's have a cup of tea and discuss this."

Tea is the third most common reason for not sleeping, coming in slightly behind depression, and the main reason - that it is not yet bedtime. People often think that people addicted to the caffeine in tea don't sleep well as they drink too late at night, whereas actually it is usually because the person is laying awake anticipating the morning's first cup of tea. This can lead to problems, especially if you wake up to find you are all out of tea bags.

Tea can be drunk with sugar, with sweeteners, and with relatives, who will often complain, "this is too strong for me." Tea is also versatile as it can be consumed in any situation, although I rarely drink it during sex - but that's probably because I've never had it.

Tea is great in all situations. Often after good news people will say, "lets have a cup of tea." It has also been used over the years during arguments, mainly because a fresh cup of tea can cause major burns if poured directly onto a moaning partner. Tea has also been customary at funerals over the years, although in recent years there has been debate as to whether there is any justification for causing major burns to corpses.

After the success of the AA for alcoholics, many people who were addicted to tea joined the TA, but were left baffled when their first assignment was a 9 month stay in Afghanistan. Of course, after realizing the TA was actually the Territorial Army, they instead set up Teaholics Anonymous, a place where groups of people of from all backgrounds can sit around discussing their experiences. Tea is strictly forbidden, so members tend to bring strong alcoholic beverages. Things get very confusing on every third Sunday of the month as the AA and TA have to share a hall, and members often claim to belong to a different group than they came in with.

Farmers in some parts of Africa have been blamed for the epidemic of tea addiction. Harold Frumbleby, Director of Purchases at Starbucks said, "Ethiopian farmers make their tea available for less than $0.02 per cup." He went on to claim, "this is why we charge $2.45 per cup, to stave off buyers from being driven to addiction by those careless Ethiopians." World Leaders praised Starbucks and other big coffee chains for continuing to extort prices by up to 7995%, and believed it would save the Western World from tea addiction. President Obama is rumored to be planning a "War On Caffeine," but he may cave on the decaf option.

In Summary - all I can really do is to advise caution and moderation. You also must not drink tea whilst operating heavy machinery, as this may lead to spillages. Tea can also cause staining of the teeth, which is why tea has been banned in Hollywood since the mid-nineties.

Care to share?

Tuesday 15 September 2009

Woody Allen Oscar Speech for New York City.

I wish he still did stand-up. It's amazing seeing this, as you can see him putting his stand-up writing skills to good use, something he hasn't had to do in about forty years.




I'm looking forward to seeing his new movie, 'Whatever Works,' it's great to see him working in NYC again.

Care to share?

Monday 14 September 2009

used to take the subway up to houston and 3rd, i would wait for you and I'd try to hide.

it's dawning on me that i head for an extended trip to new york in just over a month. it also dawned on me that i was not in the mood for using capital letters in this post, although it wasn't so much a dawning as it was just a decision i made. so i thought for today at least i would capitalize on using lower case lettering.

it also dawned on me, as it is a day of dawning, that i am yet to decide upon any accommodation or a distinct plan of action for my time there. this doesn't concern me, as it's exactly what i did last year and it ended up turning out pretty good. last year i did a bit of helping out on shoots, and shot a little short film myself. this time, i am more interested in sitting around in cafe lalo writing a feature. writing a great nyc film, in a month, whilst sitting around in cafes. that sounds like a good idea. of course, i won't just sit around in cafes. occasionally i will lay horizontally, depending on how busy they are. i also must head to caffe reggio for a strawberry yogurt, which is extremely delicious. one thing that amuses me about caffe reggio is how it states on the menu that there is a minimum order of one item per person.

i found this annoying, as i usually go into cafes, order absolutely nothing, and then leave a 20% tip.

i am definitely going to visit the museum of moving image in queens again. i spent a day there walking around by myself last time. although, maybe i was with someone as i'm pretty sure i was having long conversations whilst there? maybe i was talking to myself. maybe i just thought i was. or maybe i just think i went to the museum but actually didn't. in fact, if that is true -- maybe i didn't go to new york at all. maybe i've never been. maybe i'm not going next month. now i'm confused.

anyways, if you happen to know of anyone in new york who rents rooms cheaply to anonymous bloggers, do let me know. also, if you know anybody who works in any movie theaters who can be bribed into letting me see cheap/free movies, then please let me know. this is of course, a bit ridiculous of me, as the bribe fees are normally far larger than a month's worth of movie watching.

new york, new york - here i come. if any of you have any fun ideas of things for a writer/director/producer/blogger/obsessive tea-drinker to do in NYC, please let me know.

Care to share?

Sunday 13 September 2009

Kids In The Front Row, Complaining About Neck Pains

A few weeks back I asked, "Why Are You A Kid In The Front Row?" and got some great responses. I had three books to give away, so I have three winners.

One of them, is a screenwriting blogger, Michelle Goode. I couldn't resist giving her a prize after she went to effort of writing a poem. Not only that, but the poem was brilliant! Here's an excerpt:

"I am a kid in the front row
Because I get that fluttery feeling before it's about to start
and get sucked into the story as it latches onto my heart
all the while immersed in that buttery popcorn scent
until I find myself wondering where all the time went"

Another winner is Emma Robertson, from Australia, who's excitement and passion for film is plain to see:

"I am extremely in touch with my inner-child & Films always bring this out in me. Making me feel highly energised and more & more IN LOVE with Films & Film Making with every Film that I see. Yes, that's me...always FALLING IN LOVE (again) with MOVIES! It is for ALL of these reasons and many more that I believe I AM THE KID IN THE FRONT ROW!"

The final prize goes to Heather Parks, an actress; who finished her great email with;

It takes thirst for knowledge and a listening ear. Now, I've learned I can't acquire the knowledge I need if I'm sitting in the back row. And the view may be a bit skewed if I play it too safe (near the emergency exits) at the side. So I'm the kid in the front row because to me, it's the only place to be.

Thanks to all who entered, I loved receiving your emails.

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Friday 11 September 2009

Steven Spielberg is remaking 'Harvey' - This had better be the greatest film of all time.

So, Steven Spielberg is remaking 'Harvey.'

And I really hope he knows what he's doing.

'Harvey' is magic. It's one of those rare films that isn't just about words and acting and what you see. It has that something underneath it that makes it magic. Like 'The Kid,' like 'The Apartment,' like 'Shawshank Redemption.' It's a film that goes beyond being just something well made. It is a movie that I never thought would get remade. Just like one of those buildings you can never knock down, because it's just too amazing.

"Hey everyone, let's go to Egypt and build new pyramids! We have more money now. We can make them out of metal! They'll be great!". NO, they wouldn't be great. The new 'Harvey' won't be great.

Okay, maybe it will be great. Maybe remakes can be awesome, it's just that I've never seen one. Well, I've seen some good films that have been remade out of decent older stuff. But when it comes to the TRUE classics, like the outrageously PERFECT 'Harvey' - you wonder why they're doing it.

Specifically, you wonder why Steven Spielberg is doing it. Spielberg, a man who's been at the forefront of black and white film preservation, a man who loves old cinema as much as anyone in the world. If he wants a film about an invisible rabbit, I'll write him one. Or, fuck, just remake 'Donnie Darko' -- but why oh why does he need to remake the original 'Harvey'?

I can understand some random producer hack wanting to remake the film. It's a great idea, it could do very well commercially. I just don't understand why one of the geniuses of cinema would even think of remaking it. And yes, I know, I read what everyone is saying, about how 'oh, he's remaking the play, not the film.' That really makes no difference here.

Rumours abound that Tom Hanks will be filling the shoes of Elwood P. Dowd. Hanks is my favourite actor. Spielberg is one of my heroes. But I don't want this to happen. If 'Harvey' gets remade then before we know it all of the old films will be up for grabs. We'll be going to see 'Alien Versus The Odd Couple,' 'Some Like It Hot 3D,' it'll be horrific.

I want us to be more careful. If we are really and truly out of ideas, then let's just shut the film industry down. That's it, thank you, goodnight. Let's end all filmmaking and instead people can just sit in empty cinemas and update their Facebook statuses. 'Harvey' is magic. Leave it alone.

Care to share?