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Wednesday 16 September 2009

A Story About Tea Addiction.

Last week I posted a short story about Understanding Your Dreams which to my great surprise many of you found better than terrible, so I hope you don't mind my indulgence if I post one more short story today, and then I promise to get back to the reason you are all here, films. This is an article about the tragic and often misunderstood problem sweeping many parts of the world, but is particularly prominent here in the U.K.

A Short Story By The Kid In the Front Row - Understanding Tea Addiction

Tea addiction is generally classed as one of the least bothersome addictions. The main signs of tea addiction are headaches, brown teeth and dressing like your grandparents. Those who have been inflicted with tea obsession often feel helpless due to how unversed medical professionals are on the subject, as they normally say to patients, "let's have a cup of tea and discuss this."

Tea is the third most common reason for not sleeping, coming in slightly behind depression, and the main reason - that it is not yet bedtime. People often think that people addicted to the caffeine in tea don't sleep well as they drink too late at night, whereas actually it is usually because the person is laying awake anticipating the morning's first cup of tea. This can lead to problems, especially if you wake up to find you are all out of tea bags.

Tea can be drunk with sugar, with sweeteners, and with relatives, who will often complain, "this is too strong for me." Tea is also versatile as it can be consumed in any situation, although I rarely drink it during sex - but that's probably because I've never had it.

Tea is great in all situations. Often after good news people will say, "lets have a cup of tea." It has also been used over the years during arguments, mainly because a fresh cup of tea can cause major burns if poured directly onto a moaning partner. Tea has also been customary at funerals over the years, although in recent years there has been debate as to whether there is any justification for causing major burns to corpses.

After the success of the AA for alcoholics, many people who were addicted to tea joined the TA, but were left baffled when their first assignment was a 9 month stay in Afghanistan. Of course, after realizing the TA was actually the Territorial Army, they instead set up Teaholics Anonymous, a place where groups of people of from all backgrounds can sit around discussing their experiences. Tea is strictly forbidden, so members tend to bring strong alcoholic beverages. Things get very confusing on every third Sunday of the month as the AA and TA have to share a hall, and members often claim to belong to a different group than they came in with.

Farmers in some parts of Africa have been blamed for the epidemic of tea addiction. Harold Frumbleby, Director of Purchases at Starbucks said, "Ethiopian farmers make their tea available for less than $0.02 per cup." He went on to claim, "this is why we charge $2.45 per cup, to stave off buyers from being driven to addiction by those careless Ethiopians." World Leaders praised Starbucks and other big coffee chains for continuing to extort prices by up to 7995%, and believed it would save the Western World from tea addiction. President Obama is rumored to be planning a "War On Caffeine," but he may cave on the decaf option.

In Summary - all I can really do is to advise caution and moderation. You also must not drink tea whilst operating heavy machinery, as this may lead to spillages. Tea can also cause staining of the teeth, which is why tea has been banned in Hollywood since the mid-nineties.


  1. Very clever. I enjoyed this a lot. Hope you continue to find time for the occasional fiction post.

  2. Ha. Liked this too. Best part was the TA/AA.

    Coffee is my tea.

  3. "The main signs of tea addiction are headaches, brown teeth and dressing like your grandparents."

    I just blew my coffee, not tea...since that's what we are addicted to here on the other side of the pond, through my nostrils from laughing so hard!

    YOU are hysterical.
    Thank you for your post! (and stopping by mine thus leading me to yours...)

    Note to self: Put down hot beverage before opening blog site.

    I can't wait to delve further into your past posts. Thanks!

  4. *lol* Very good and funny! :-D Propz Pilgrim

  5. Loving this post :) Felt the need to share some of my favourite tea quotes:

    There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a nice cup of tea.
    ~Bernard-Paul Heroux

    All true tea lovers not only like their tea strong, but like it a little stronger with each year that passes. ~George Orwell, (That must be why I like mine strong lol)

    If you are cold, tea will warm you. If you are too heated, it will cool you. If you are depressed, it will cheer you. If you are excited, it will calm you. ~Gladstone, 1865

  6. As soon as I saw the title, my mind flashed back to an episode of Kids In The Hall, a Canadian sketch show, where they demonstrate the horrible withdrawl symptoms of said "Tea Addiction".

  7. Thank you very much all! I really appreciate the positive feedback, it means a lot. And hello to a couple of you who are new followers. I am shockingly close to 100 followers, which is exciting.

  8. This is very, very funny. And true. I'm a closet Tea Addict myself. Its a terrible thing =]

  9. Very entertaining post. Well done! Don't forget about one of the very WORST side effects of tea addition- nasty nasty breath that smells like rotting leaves. Yuck.
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