I need to pee. I'm in the middle of the isle. No way can I get out. Their legs are so big. If I leave now I'll fall over everybody. And I'll miss something important. Although nobody who pees ever misses anything important. It's like we're trained to urinate right at the moment when James Bond is just chilling out by the bar with nothing to do.
If I climb over the row in front of me, knock the bald guy out of the way and head to the emergency exit, I should be able to pee-and-return quicker than Sebastian Vettel can make a pit stop.
They should invent a pair of headphones that gives me the audio track of the movie to listen to while I pee. They probably don't need to invent a new type of headphone, I don't know. Maybe I can stay at home, listen to the whole movie on the special headphones. That would save me from having to make any kind of trip at all. Plus I don't need to ask a stranger in a baseball cap where the toilet is.
I don't actually have to pee. I'm just anticipating that I will. Probably because this coke-flavoured-water is so big. Do I pee prior to needing to pee or do I wait until I definitely need to pee or hold on until it's too late? Problem is, if I don't go now I'll keep thinking about the fact I'll need to go soon.
That hot girl over there saw me go into the toilet before the film started. That was only eleven minutes ago. She'll know I have a weak bladder.
I should come back with popcorn, that'll fool her. Maybe another flat-coke too. What is this film about?
The women's toilet is actually much nearer. What is gender anyway? Just a social construct. I'm going to pee in the women's toilet. Wearing headphones.
That girl over there sure is gorgeous. I wish my girlfriend wasn't blocking my view of her.
If I pee now, there's still 64 minutes left. This may need to be a 2-pee strategy. I'm not sure I can do that. Everyone in the cinema will know.
I need to turn my phone on and run out of the screen yelling, "hold on, I'm in the cinema," then everyone will think it's a business call rather than a nature call.
I wonder if anyone else is on a 2-pee strategy. I need someone else to go first. But now I really have to go. Even the awkward-leg-fold isn't helping. My girlfriend isn't impressed. She's started eyeing up the hot girl.
Showing posts with label urination. Show all posts
Showing posts with label urination. Show all posts
Thursday, 4 October 2012
Thursday, 15 April 2010
The Pee Issue.
What is the cut off time? How long before a movie should you stop drinking? Or, what's the most you can drink? Of course, different people have different bladders (obviously. If bladders were communal, that would be bizarre). Some people can drink 50 litres and still say "no big deal, I'll pee tomorrow." But for many of us, we need to pee more. In fact, I think it's possible that people with perfectly good bladders find their bladders falling apart around the beginning of a movie.
Why do they put the bathrooms so bloody far away from the screen you're in? What's that about? It's sexist, that's what it is. You come out of screen 14, and right there is a women's toilet. The men's? It's over there by screen 2. And by other there I mean down two flights of escalators. There's some kind of conspiracy going on here and I'm not best pleased about it.
The good thing about watching a lot of movies is that you know the exact point when they turn SHIT. When the girl turns to the guy and says "You either choose to come to your daughters school play, or choose to go to North Dakota for the business meeting." When that happens, you know what's coming next - so you can go and do some urinary depletion without losing the plot (of the movie). But then, once a year, they show a good film at the cinema. It's three hours long. You've just three teas and a double sized over sized super sized triple sized coke because it was 'only' £4 more expensive than the smaller one. So there you are, in the middle of the film; and the woman says "You can go to your daughters play, or you can save the Earth, or you can go back in time and save my Brother and change the course of history." Wow. You're hooked. You have to stay. But you need to pee! You look around. It's dark. The coke cup is empty. Do you dare? You don't. After all, the lady sitting two seats from you might complain. Or worse: enjoy it.
So what do you do? Why do they sell you a big drink and put the restrooms so far away? (I used the phrase restrooms for you Americans. And yes, your toilets are as terribly placed as English ones).
This problem can also end friendships. When you sneak back into the screen having had a much needed piss - you will inevitably ask your friend, "What did I miss?". The trusted friend responds, "nothing, she just got on that boat." Later on, you realize, she didn't just get on the boat. She got on the boat, shot three people, and released nine hostages. It's a pivotal point in the film, but your friend neglects to share this.
They need to put some headphones by the seats. You pick them up, put them on - and go pee. Still able to listen to the movie. Or, the weaker bladdered audience members should get a remote control. "Sorry everyone. I need to pee." That would work.
Why do they put the bathrooms so bloody far away from the screen you're in? What's that about? It's sexist, that's what it is. You come out of screen 14, and right there is a women's toilet. The men's? It's over there by screen 2. And by other there I mean down two flights of escalators. There's some kind of conspiracy going on here and I'm not best pleased about it.
The good thing about watching a lot of movies is that you know the exact point when they turn SHIT. When the girl turns to the guy and says "You either choose to come to your daughters school play, or choose to go to North Dakota for the business meeting." When that happens, you know what's coming next - so you can go and do some urinary depletion without losing the plot (of the movie). But then, once a year, they show a good film at the cinema. It's three hours long. You've just three teas and a double sized over sized super sized triple sized coke because it was 'only' £4 more expensive than the smaller one. So there you are, in the middle of the film; and the woman says "You can go to your daughters play, or you can save the Earth, or you can go back in time and save my Brother and change the course of history." Wow. You're hooked. You have to stay. But you need to pee! You look around. It's dark. The coke cup is empty. Do you dare? You don't. After all, the lady sitting two seats from you might complain. Or worse: enjoy it.
So what do you do? Why do they sell you a big drink and put the restrooms so far away? (I used the phrase restrooms for you Americans. And yes, your toilets are as terribly placed as English ones).This problem can also end friendships. When you sneak back into the screen having had a much needed piss - you will inevitably ask your friend, "What did I miss?". The trusted friend responds, "nothing, she just got on that boat." Later on, you realize, she didn't just get on the boat. She got on the boat, shot three people, and released nine hostages. It's a pivotal point in the film, but your friend neglects to share this.
They need to put some headphones by the seats. You pick them up, put them on - and go pee. Still able to listen to the movie. Or, the weaker bladdered audience members should get a remote control. "Sorry everyone. I need to pee." That would work.
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