STEPTOE & SON - Steptoe and Me

I was ten years old and I randomly came across an old TV show on the BBC. It was black and white, which is not something I had time for. But before I had a chance to change the channel, it had me laughing.

It was STEPTOE & SON. I remember the episode very specifically, it was the episode where Albert turns 65.

Everyone has that story about how they first saw a movie when they were 4 and it changed their life forever. I don't have that story. But maybe this was that moment. I don't remember much TV or film from my childhood, at least not in any special way. But I do remember Steptoe & Son.

I would get to school early on a Tuesday, or whatever day it was, and I would sit up against the old shed at the back of the playground and recall the previous night's episode with my friend, Stewart. I don't remember much about Stewart, if anything at all, apart from the fact he also loved Steptoe & Son.

I wasn't a screenwriter at ten years old. I didn't direct films. And I didn't consciously have any tastes (although I was developing a bit of a taste for a girl called Victoria, but she showed no appetite). I wasn't as limited back then. I was free. And Steptoe & Son was glorious. We would watch every episode we could find, and we would talk about it non-stop, and I would impersonate Harold's voice.

Around a similar time, I found The Beatles. There I was, ten years old, and everything I loved was black and white. I didn't have to justify my preferences to anyone, and I didn't feel the need to tweet about it. I'd just watch and laugh and love.

I watched that episode yesterday. When Albert turned 65. It's not as funny to me now, but it has so many of the seeds that bloomed into things that would become a huge part of the essence of who I am. My sense of story, and character, and my love for comedy. Maybe it began that one night, when I accidentally caught an old episode of Steptoe & Son. Maybe that's why this blog is called Kid In The Front Row. Everything I've done since, is just about finding my way back to that feeling of joy that I felt when I discovered Harold & Albert Steptoe. 

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I was just a kid and that's what I miss.

Go with me on this one, I'm writing it in a bit of a dream-like, meditative state; trying to remember my childhood - and the path from Kid, to Kid In The Front Row.

I remember, I remember--- I used to rush to school for 8.45am, even though school started at 9.20am. I only did it for the one year. I was 10 years old. I'd get there because I had this little group of friends who I loved being around. And there was a girl, of course. I don't really remember anything, except we'd laugh. And I'd make them laugh. There was a real connection.

And I remember in class assembly, some teacher would be rattling on about something uninteresting, but somewhere near the back row, as we sat with our legs crossed--- I remember. I'd tie my shoelaces up again and again, until they were knotted as many times as possible. And then I'd pretend they were characters, like in a play or something. These little tiny shoelaces. And all my friends around me, and whatever random kids were nearby. I'd do these little plays. They consisted of the left shoelace fighting with the right shoelace. And maybe silly discussions. I remember one of the shoelaces had the nickname 'Putt Putt' -- and everyone liked the character the most. He was the funny one. He was the Chandler Bing of primary school shoelace comedy.

I remember walking out of an assembly thinking It'd amuse people if I put my left arm in the right-arm-sleeve, and the right in the left--- but I remember my arms getting stuck the wrong way round. And I couldn't do anything about it as I left the assembly. I remember being pulled out by our head-teacher who had a big go at me for being so stupid. I agreed. But I was still stuck in my jumper, unable to untangle. I don't remember what else happened.

I remember being excited by Roald Dahl.

My wrestling figures were often, I'm sure, confused by my experimental storylines. Hulk Hogan often had interesting back stories, and the Ultimate Warrior was undefeated in three years.

I remember playing football with my brother in the garden. But we'd pretend we were the managers of our favourite team. I remember we'd play out a whole season, over many months. I would make up stories of players getting injured, of players being sold-- we'd give interviews after matches, we had this whole imaginary football league, played out between the two of us in our garden.

I remember starring in my own imaginary TV show called 'Man' - it was a bit like the A-Team. I was a cop/general all round awesome guy. In most episodes I narrowly avoided getting shot. In one episode, I shocked the enemy when they thought they had finished me off --- What the enemy didn't know what that I had a Ghostbusters proton pack, which took them by surprise as they were expecting me to attack with my He-Man sword.

Me and some other Kid used to spend break times sat up against this battered old brown shed. We'd sit there and we'd talk for the whole of break time about the last repeated episode we saw of 'Steptoe & Son.' I'd do my impression of the son. It wasn't very good. But we'd laugh. We'd laugh at how funny the show was and how funny we were for liking such an old show.


I am in the business of making people laugh by telling stories, created from my imagination. I realize now, I've done this all my life.

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