Cinema Pee Strategy

I need to pee. I'm in the middle of the isle. No way can I get out. Their legs are so big. If I leave now I'll fall over everybody. And I'll miss something important. Although nobody who pees ever misses anything important. It's like we're trained to urinate right at the moment when James Bond is just chilling out by the bar with nothing to do. 

If I climb over the row in front of me, knock the bald guy out of the way and head to the emergency exit, I should be able to pee-and-return quicker than Sebastian Vettel can make a pit stop. 

They should invent a pair of headphones that gives me the audio track of the movie to listen to while I pee. They probably don't need to invent a new type of headphone, I don't know. Maybe I can stay at home, listen to the whole movie on the special headphones. That would save me from having to make any kind of trip at all. Plus I don't need to ask a stranger in a baseball cap where the toilet is. 

I don't actually have to pee. I'm just anticipating that I will. Probably because this coke-flavoured-water is so big. Do I pee prior to needing to pee or do I wait until I definitely need to pee or hold on until it's too late? Problem is, if I don't go now I'll keep thinking about the fact I'll need to go soon.

That hot girl over there saw me go into the toilet before the film started. That was only eleven minutes ago. She'll know I have a weak bladder. 

I should come back with popcorn, that'll fool her. Maybe another flat-coke too. What is this film about?

The women's toilet is actually much nearer. What is gender anyway? Just a social construct. I'm going to pee in the women's toilet. Wearing headphones.

That girl over there sure is gorgeous. I wish my girlfriend wasn't blocking my view of her.

If I pee now, there's still 64 minutes left. This may need to be a 2-pee strategy. I'm not sure I can do that. Everyone in the cinema will know.

I need to turn my phone on and run out of the screen yelling, "hold on, I'm in the cinema," then everyone will think it's a business call rather than a nature call.

I wonder if anyone else is on a 2-pee strategy. I need someone else to go first. But now I really have to go. Even the awkward-leg-fold isn't helping. My girlfriend isn't impressed. She's started eyeing up the hot girl.

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BAD TEACHER With Pete & Craig

Craig can't stop himself. Every time, without fail. He orders the biggest popcorn and the giant ass coke, and THEN he bitches about the price.

We end up in this bizarre argument at the counter. Craig moans about how disgraceful it is that a medium popcorn is the same price as his mortgage, and the cinema worker, who is usually a seventeen year old girl who looks like she wants to kill herself, gets all defensive and smart ass. And then there's me, saying to Craig that he doesn't get to moan if he's handing the cash over.

I mean, popcorn is an option. If you don't want it, don't buy it.

Sometimes I think he starts the argument just because he thinks the girl is cute. I don't think he realises how psychotic he looks when he starts yelling about trading standards and capitalism and whatever it is he yammers on about.

We were in our seats. They never make those cup holders the right size. Mine was pretty much falling through a hole. Weird things happen in the cinema. Ever look down at your shirt halfway through a movie and see two bits of popcorn stuck there? Even happens when you're not eating popcorn.

Then the other thing happened. I was annoyed but Pete was laughing, except for when I was laughing and Pete was annoyed. You see, in the seats directly behind us, we had a crazy guy who puzzled over plot issues out loud, in a confused manner. Hard to explain what he was doing, but he was kind of insane. And he kept repeating dialogue to the friend next to him.

He got louder and weirder. Pete turned back to give him the evil-eye. He turned back and whispered to me, "I think he's on his own." This made me instantly crack up. I was in a sea of laughter. Actually, a sea of popcorn. It was stuck to me. Don't know how. No-one knows how that happens.

But I was laughing uncontrollably. Because this guy who'd been yammering away like a mad-o was talking to himself.

What do you do? Do you ask him to be quiet? He's not even talking to anyone! He may not even be in the cinema, mentally. He may think he's on a steamboat or something.

I needed to pee real bad. I tried to figure out the running time in my head. How long could be left? First of all you get an instinctive feeling about how long is left. Normally this feels good, because you think you only have to sit through ten more minutes.

But then you do the plot check in your head. You think to yourself, "Diaz still needs to convince some people, she needs to learn a valuable life lesson, and win the guy. And Lucy Punch's story needs to be resolved." So you figure out you have 27 minutes remaining.

And it drags on. When you need to pee, the story gets resolved but the film doesn't end. The director likes to fuck with you, just because he knows you want to pee. I hate that. "The Directors No-Pee Cut". I'm sure you've experienced this.

BAD TEACHER REVIEW: Kinda lame. Some things didn't make sense. But there are some laughs. Cameron Diaz is gorgeous. She should date film bloggers. Timberlake keeps impressing as an actor. Overall: 5/10

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