Film Pitching With My Friend Carl

EXT. LONDON - NIGHT

THE KID and CARL are walking through the snow covered city streets.

THE KID 

I have a film I really want to make. 

CARL

Go on. 

THE KID

It's like a typical rom-com. Ashton Kutcher and, uhh-- I dunno, who's a typical rom-com girl? Anna Faris?

CARL 

Who is that?

THE KID

How about -- um.... 

CARL 

Jenny.

THE KID

Jenny who?

CARL 

What are we talking about?

THE KID

My film idea. Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl. 

CARL 

Sounds like a good idea. 

THE KID 

I haven't given you the idea yet. 

CARL

Okay. 

THE KID 

It's a typical rom-com. Heigl works for a publisher in New York. Kutcher is in the music business. And Heigl is telling her friend about her dating woes. 

CARL 

What is the friend's name?

THE KID

Jenny.

CARL 

Great name. 

THE KID 

It's a typical rom-com, totally normal, set in New York, and Heigl is explaining her dating problems to Jenny. 

CARL 

Did she text you back?

THE KID

Who?

CARL

That girl.

THE KID

(agitated) 

I'm trying to tell you my film idea. 

CARL 

I thought you were finished. 

THE KID 

Totally normal rom-com. Broad comedy, blandly lit --- and then, 14 minutes in, the best friend ---

CARL

(cutting in)

Jenny.

THE KID

Gets kidnapped. There's a big struggle and she's kidnapped. And then it's not mentioned for the rest of the movie. 

CARL 

I like it. 

THE KID

The rom-com carries on as normal -- I mean, there was an unfortunate kidnapping, so Heigl loses her buddy, but it carries on as if nothing happened, never brought up again -- totally conventional rom-com, apart from the 14th minute. 

CARL 

Did she text you back?

THE KID

No. 

CARL 

Okay. 

THE KID 

OR----- normal rom-com, totally as expected -- and then 54 minutes in, Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl get kidnapped. So the story ends there. 

CARL 

And it cuts to credits? 

THE KID

No. We get thirty minutes of board meetings in the publishing house, and stuff happening at the record company.

CARL

Just everyday office stuff. 

THE KID

But with no lead characters -- just their workplaces, going about things without them. But the story ended--

CARL

On the 54th minute. 

THE KID 

Precisely. 

CARL 

Why didn't she text you back?

THE KID 

She never texts me back. 

CARL 

I think that means she likes you. 

THE KID 

When I pitch the film idea, I'll leave out the parts about the kidnapping. 

CARL 

It's snowing again.

THE KID

Oh is that what it is?

CARL 

Yes. 

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The Dark Knight Rises Exclusive!

I'm excited about the new Batman film. Who isn't? For some reason though, I'd yet to see the teaser trailer.

So a few days ago I went onto YouTube and started the video. It wasn't what I expected; some guy was driving a Volvo and talking about comfort and I realised this was going to be a terrible sequel. Then a button popped up asking me if I wanted to skip, which I did (in the garden), before returning to watch the rest of the video.

The trailer started making more sense after that because the smiley family in the Volvo were gone and instead everything was darker and people looked more grumpy.

It looked magnificent and I was totally excited, even more so when suddenly something at the bottom of the frame popped up offering me business class flights to Dubai. It said "Hurry up! Offer ends soon!" which immediately made me panic, as the video was ending in 19 seconds. Is this an interactive movie?

I snapped into action: I booked business class flights to Dubai. I had to save The Dark Knight.

This is what I love about movies. They're getting so realistic! I packed my bags and readied myself for the flight. I decided to return to YouTube one last time, just to check my mission again. To my surprise, I was given a new directive.

Get groceries delivered to my home? Was The Dark Knight going to deliver my order of chicken breast fillets? To be honest, I don't know, and have been baffled ever since.

Any advice on how to proceed would be warmly welcomed.

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People Who Push My Buttons.

INT. CINEMA - EVENING
The Kid is in line to get some popcorn. Although, he's not getting popcorn, he's getting a tea, because that's what front-row sitting English people do.

KID
Could I have a tea, please?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
Why not?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
We're not serving any tea
at the moment.

KID
Is it broken?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
Not exactly.

KID
Then could I get a tea?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I'm not authorized to use it.

PETE
Is Ellen Page in this film?

KID
(to Pete)
No, hold on..
(to Dude)
You're not authorized to press
the 'hot water' button?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I've not been trained.

KID
No worries. I'm trained. I'm trained on
making tea. Can I make myself a tea?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
I'll just press the 'hot water'
button and that's it. Seriously,
I'm fully trained.

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
I'm new here, I've not been
trained on the tea and coffee
machine.

KID
Do they send you on a course?

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
It's a health and safety thing.

KID
Dude, look - I just want a tea.
You just gotta put a tea bag
in one of those cups and press
a button.

DUDE BEHIND THE THING
No.

The Fat Lady Behind The Thing comes trundling along, with a smug look on her face.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
Can I help you?

KID
I'd like a tea.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
We're not serving tea at the moment.

KID
Would you like me to train you
on the hot water button?

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
I'm trained, thank you. But I
am not currently working on
this section.

KID
So how can you help me?

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
What makes you think I want to help you?

KID
You said 'How Can I Help You?'

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
What is that supposed to mean?

KID
I'm confused.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
You're in a cinema.

KID
Thank you, I realize that. Is
anyone here trained on pressing
the hot water button?

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
No, not tonight.

KID
Is anyone trained on pressing any
button, or, if not, could you train
them today?

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
No.

KID
I have extensive experience making tea,
drinking tea, and pressing buttons. I even
pressed the button on the ticket thing
over there, with no training.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
I'm sorry, but there'll be no use
of this machine tonight.

A Very Small Lady appears at the side of the thing.

VERY SMALL LADY BY THE SIDE OF THE THING
Deirdre, let's go for a break.

THE FAT LADY BEHIND THE THING
Good idea, Maureen, I fancy a tea.

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Understanding Your Dreams - A Weird Short Story.

A Short Article By The Kid In The Front Row

Dreams are strange. People who like country music are also strange, but have been subject to less scientific research. My personal experiences on this matter have indeed been noteworthy. In fact, the content of my dreams were once planned to be the basis of a 20,000 word scientific study, but the scientist instead opted to do a Twitter update only. Dreams, we have long been told, are an absolute mystery. However, through my own studies, I can reveal they tend to happen at night and when sleeping.

I once fell asleep whilst wearing my glasses. This was unfortunate as for the next few hours I dreamt I was waiting for a consultation with my local optician. I only realized I was dreaming when a large gorilla walked in and praised me for being a great single Mother and an award winning acrobat. The amusement was short lived as he immediately charged me $50 for a contact lens examination.

Carl Jung, Freud and numerous other dead people believe dreams are the doorway to learning about our subconscious wants and desires. If this is true, why do I keep dreaming about Stephen Hawkins giving me foot massages? To get to the bottom of all this I enrolled in a three year psychology degree. This went great until three days before graduation when I woke up in a sweat; and realized it had all been a dream.

I have since learned that most of the time you can tell if you are in a dream because things seem completely unrealistic. For example, I can always tell I'm dreaming if people are polite, a girl remembers my name, or George Bush completes a full sentence.

In recent years there has been a distinct lack of research into what happens when people go to sleep at night, but Dr. Ralph Piffell from Oregon, USA, is determined to bring the matter into the public consciousness. The last heavily-funded study into the effects and meaning of inner dream life was in 1967 in Neuschwanstein, Germany. Unfortunately the study had to be called off as participants were found to be drowsy and close to nodding off. Dr. Piffell says that he dreams of the day they can do another in depth study. But he also admitted to dreaming of naked Albanian wind-surfers joining him for barbecues, so is fraught when it comes to deciding which dream to bring to life.

One of the main ways dreams are analysed is by looking closely at the meaning of symbols and objects within the visions witnessed during sleep. For example, if you dream about pasta, that is actually your subconscious desire for sexual activity in your life. However, if you find yourself dreaming about sex you are more than likely to wake up with an urge for penne pasta.

One of the most common concerns is that of the recurring nightmare. Throughout centuries the greatest minds have done their best to find ways to stop them. Only now are they realizing the simplest way of halting them, which is by not sleeping.

In summary, there is still much to learn about dreaming. The good news is that many myths are now being debunked. For many years people believed that to die in your dream meant that you would die in real life. It turns out this is true, but often the death does not happen until 50, sometimes 70 years later. Another key thing to remember when looking into dream interpretation, is that it is not completely accurate. For example, if you look up the meaning behind your dream about a piece of cheese; it is often difficult to tell exactly which type of cheese it was in the dream. This type of thing is of major importance, as dreaming of mature farmhouse cheddar cheese means you are coming to a new, positive stage in your life, whereas dreaming about moist blue cheese indicates you are likely to have limbs amputated if you ever travel to Scandinavia. It is for reasons like this that I strongly recommend only dreaming in supervised situations.

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