Showing posts with label inner critic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inner critic. Show all posts

Monday, 6 June 2011

Diana Ross Syndrome

I was on the train, and listening to Diana Ross & Lionel Richie sing "Endless Love". And then as we stopped at a station, a trendy guy boarded the train and sat down on my right, and a pretty girl sat to my left, and I turned my music down a little. Some part of me didn't want the strangers to hear what I was listening to.

What the hell is that? I'm turning down part of who I am. And for what?

In school you're meant to conform and fit in. A lot of us rebel against it, but we still conform sometimes. It's easier to rebel using Marilyn Manson and Slipknot, because it has attitude, you can conform to something else.

But people shut out the fact they like Lionel Richie and Phil Collins. What the fuck?

I know that these two strangers on the train don't care about me and can't hear my music. But I turned it down. Am I turning down the part of me that likes that music? Or am I turning down the part of me that has endless love in it?

Let's take it to a crazy level.

Let's say the girl sitting next to me finds me attractive, and has no idea what I'm listening to. We get talking, and an hour later we're in Starbucks talking about our mutual love of Tupac and Oasis. Would I keep quiet about the fact I like some Diana Ross songs?

Actually I wouldn't. Everyone who gets to know me knows my music tastes are all over the place. But yet, something in me, some reaction, made me turn the music down. Who in me was that?

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking 'Kid, stop reading into pointless bullshit', or 'Kid, review the new X-Men film', but you can read that on all the other blogs.

Some parts of us we share, some parts we oppress. When did it start? We do it unconsciously all the time, we don't even realize, we shut things out, shut 'em down. And I just caught that little moment on the train, and it made me curious. How often have I done that?

People hide passions that way. You can know someone for six years before they tell you they like drawing. People die before you find their poetry.

Is this nature or is it society? Maybe I should just get some speakers and make the whole train listen to Lionel Richie and Diana Ross.

Maybe what you hide the most is what is really needed. The poet dies without sharing her poetry, when in life all you got were status updates about her cat.

Us humans are strange.

And some part of me wants to shut this down. "Why are you blogging about this shit on a film blog!", says the inner-voice. This is what happens when you begin exploring yourself, you think you're insane. You think you won't fit in.

You care about that stuff after all.

Care to share?

Friday, 12 February 2010

Criticism and Rejection.

A couple of years back, I met this musician. We were getting along really well, talking about each others projects. And we were both into the whole 'positive thinking' thing, and we were talking about how we hate all the negative people and all that stuff. We were like, y'know, everybody the day after they've just read 'The Secret.' It was all very inspiring and touching to have found a friend -- and I remember telling her how I hate the way that people can be belittling. What always really pissed me off was when people would say "how are your little films going?" and "Are you still doing the filmmaking? Still giving it a go?" It would always get to me. The musician woman agreed, she hated all that too. And then she said "what are you currently working on?"

"I'm just doing this little short film, nothing serious," came my reply.

"Aha!" she said, "just a LITTLE short film!" I was doing to myself EXACTLY what they do to me.

How could I expect others to think of my work as important and brilliant if I myself saw it as 'little' and 'nothing serious.' That's not how I see my work, it's not how I feel about my work - but I realised that, so often when talking about it, I put myself down. I started thinking back to screenings where there have been Q+A sessions. I always handled these Q+A sessions really well, I guess I was quite likeable because I'd always do this "I'm a little nobody making films and having fun" schtick, but it didn't really serve me that well, really, because I was putting myself down needlessly.

If you observe what you hate about the judgements and criticisms you receive, you can be pretty sure that you give them to yourself far worse. Just ask any actor heading into an audition. The Casting Director really doesn't need to judge the actor's acting, because the actor already has. In fact, most of the time, after auditioning for only six minutes; an actor will have, in their head, a definite perception of what the opinion was of their acting talents, height, weight, look, voice, personality. When rejection inevitably comes, it's usually because the person wasn't right for the role. But the person rejected knows the 'truth' - that it was because they're overweight, too short, with small breasts, weird eyes, a deep voice, and because they were boring. No-one else can really reject us when we're like this, because we do it to ourselves, over and over and over again.

The seeds of rejection get placed every day, moment to moment, in really subtle ways. I think we all have this successful version of ourselves that we dream about who sits on the Letterman couch, and playfully talks about their work like they're Tom Hanks promoting their latest flick. Yet we see this version of ourselves as who we'll be when we're ready/better/successful/had surgery/gained confidence/got rid of rustiness.

Not that the when-I-am-famous version of you is a complete waste. You should fantasise about it, really FEEL it. Feel what's it's like to have the role, be holding the award, spending the money. You'll probably feel relaxed and at ease now. You need to take that back with you to your audition/first draft/interview, because that's part of you, that's who you are -- you need access to that now rather than the self-hating, nervous-wreck you've become.

Take a moment to think of the criticism or way of being rejected that hurts you the most. And then notice how you do it to yourself. Criticism is painful. Really painful. But when someone tells you/implies that you're a wasteful, talentless, no good piece of shit - it's not really them that's hurting you, it's you, because deep down - you've feared those very things all along.

It doesn't have to be this way. Spot that voice in your head, the one that criticises you and second guesses you. It's like this.

I want to play that role.
You're not attractive enough. You're not interesting enough.

I am writing a screenplay about the NYPD.
What the fuck do you know about the NYPD? You're pathetic. Everyone will see the holes in your script!

I want to get back into acting again.
You're not ready! You're too much of a mess! You're rusty!.

I want to direct a feature.
you're not quite ready.

I want to think about directing a feature.
you're not quite ready.

I want to be a costume designer.
you're not quite ready.

Nobody is quite ready. You're only ready when you do it. It's just getting over that belief system that is the tricky part.

I speak like I'm an expert, I'm not, I am more than capable of smashing myself to pieces every single time. I guess all I'm saying is, to the rest of you, you're not alone, and we should talk about this stuff. And perhaps we should realise; it isn't earthquakes, genocides and terminal illnesses; it's film & TV. We should get up off the floor and go to the stuff that our inner child's demand.

Care to share?

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Conversation With Myself

I am an idea.


I am your inner-critic. Your idea isn't good enough.


I am a good idea. I'm funny & interesting, I'm a great story.

Hmm, NO. There's no way to make it work.

I am on the page now, look. Page 1, the beginning of me.

This isn't going anywhere. It's leading nowhere. No-one will like it.

Hold on - why do you get a bigger say than me? Why are you taking it so seriously? It's just a screenplay, it's not terminal.

Um, what-- because, it is serious!

You seem to be getting smaller. Why are you taking me so seriously? I'm just a good idea.

Because, uh-- what? No, listen to me - you are not a good idea! I am protecting you from failure! I am protecting you from making a fool of yourself!

I am more likely to be less of a failure if I actually get heard. All my brothers and sisters are laying there dead, most of them are only 9 pages. If they were 120 pages, maybe they wouldn't be such failures.

Okay, just write, but be careful. I'm worried about you.

I'm just an idea, I'm just a screenplay. I'll be fine. You need to stop treating things like they are as important and as terrifying as genocide.

Okay, sorry.

Care to share?

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Interacting With Writers Block


We tend to become instantly polarized by writers block. A voice, or a feeling, or a blank page says to you "No, No. You have nothing to say." Or maybe, for some of you, it isn't that specific, it's just a hazy feeling-- some kind of feeling of being lost that you can't quite describe. The only thing you know for sure, is that you want to go and have a rummage around the fridge, rather than write the screenplay.

Some people identify it straight out as writers block, some people just think they're 'not ready' or 'the character and story haven't developed yet.' Call it what you want, I'm going to call it writers block.

Sometimes, you need to not write. This is probably true. But for the most part, your block is a great opportunity to learn something about your story, or at least, to interact with it differently. So I want to talk about a few different tools, or at least, a few different ways of interacting with it - that I think could help you. This is also closely related to inner-critic work that I have referred to a few times in the past.

1. Think About How Your Writers Block Is Part Of The Story You Are Telling.

If you're writing a screenplay about an aging boxer who is struggling to find the energy and motivation for that last fight, or if you're writing about a teenager who's not ready to take on his duty to save the world from terrorists --- whatever it might be, it is interesting to see how your inner conflict is something that your character is going through as well.

Your inner creative block is a natural thing for all humans. There are elements of it that are similar for your character. In fact, when you think about it - that's what films are about... characters who reach their limits, struggle with them, and then surpass them to save the world/get the girl/win the fight. So use your problem as part of the solution. What does your block tell you about your character?

Interestingly, a block often comes at the point when you have written a block for your character. For example, you may write twenty pages of a script with ease - and it's the best thing you've ever written. And then you make the girl dump your character, you blow up his house, and you make him lose his job. And then you're stumped, you've lost your flow.

What happens is that you identify with your character more than you realize, you begin to find yourself lost, like your character. But rather than think 'meh, I'm out of ideas.' You're not, your character is out of ideas. And if you really delve into that, then you are going to find really exciting ways to move on with your script.

To summarize -- we tend to become a part of the field we are writing about. If we are writing an inspiring story, we get inspired -- but when we write about the tough parts, we feel those tough parts too, we sink with it. The key is to have awareness around this, and to realize it's an opportunity if you identify it and delve into it.

2. Give Your Writers Block A Name.

It's really helpful to communicate with your writers block. You may feel a bit schizophrenic doing it, but it works. When you feel that voice in your head saying 'the idea isn't there yet' - you need to hold it accountable, you need to find out why. So, give your writers block a name. For this exercise, I'm calling mine Harry.

Ask Harry, 'what is your problem? why can't we write?'

And then go and stand on the other side of the room and assume the role of Harry. And give an answer. You may find that Harry gets all confused and doesn't have an excuse. You may find that Harry is really specific, like "I don't think the character of Leigh-Ann is developed enough, she makes no sense." And then you can go and stand on the other side of the room and say "Yes, I know, because you won't let me work on her, you keep making me stop writing!" -

Before you know it, this dialogue will really open up ideas from within you. Rather than seeing the block as a sign to stop - you get a lot more practical advice from it. You need to hold it accountable, find out what its problem is.

3. Realize That Harry Isn't Neccessarily Right.

Your inner-critic, Harry, has never written a script before. And if you go and win a Best Screenplay Oscar, he's going to be really jealous. He's going to find it hard to tell you you're talentless. So realize what Harry is - he's a jealous fool, he doesn't necessarily know what's right.

If you write a joke and you hear this mad annoying fool in your head say "No! No-one will get that joke!" then tell Harry to shut up. Since when did Harry become the authority? We don't need to take him so seriously. Say to your writers block, "Excuse me, but I'm trying to write here. I don't like how you're talking to me and, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see your name on the cover page - so stay out of it."

Write and write, and write. Don't let that voice chop you down. If you feel "Don't write, it's not good enough," then look at it differently. It's never going to be good enough if you don't write it at all. You need to tell Harry, "I'm not handing this to anyone, I just want to write it, get some pages done. I can always redraft later.." - You need to cut yourself a bit of slack like that.

To summarize--- your writers block, your inner critic, your Harry - he's not an expert screenwriter. He's probably never achieved anything, apart from stopping you from asking out Julie three years ago by making you think you're too ugly for her. Aside from that, his life achievements are pretty low. You're the one who has big dreams, you're the one you should listen too - the inner voice putting you down is just an annoying fool. And you don't need to take fools seriously.

4. Admit That If Your Script Sucks, The World Will Not Actually End.

That's it. It helps.

5. Get Over An Edge.

A great way to find inspiration is to get over an edge, a comfort-zone. This is something you can do right now, and all you need to do is do something that you don't believe is in keeping with who you are, something you don't see as part of your identity.

As writers, we get locked in by our belief systems, our views of the world -- and that is a big limitation. This transforms when you transform your views, your beliefs. And the good thing is, you get to have some fun.

If you are Vegetarian, maybe go eat one piece of meat. Yes, you may be disgusted with yourself and think you're going to hell - but what an experience!

Go on a date with someone you find very unattractive, read a book by a writer you hate, be kind if you're hateful, be hateful if you're too kind, dress in women's clothes, step over your comfort zone and tell someone important to you why they keep upsetting you, steal something..

Whatever it might be for you - the emotions and feelings are transformational. On the other side, you realize things about yourself that you never realized before - that maybe you like the taste of cigarettes, or that being a bit hateful makes you feel empowered, or that stealing is very exciting.

I'm sure you all have something personal to you. These edges come at the very edge of our personalities. If you're a guy who never asks girls for their numbers, go and do it, be different to who you normally are. If you're a woman who never speaks her mind for fear of what others think, go and speak your mind.

By doing something simple yet BIG (for you) --- you transform, you have a new angle on life. And then when you go home and sit in front of that blank page - suddenly, you have a lot more options.

Care to share?

Friday, 30 October 2009

When you allow yourself to be who you are.

I call myself a writer, but often you will find me working some job I loath, or doing some camera work, or arguing with people in the street, or justifying myself to people -- you know how it is-- it's like, I got talking to this waitress the other day, and I said "how long have you worked here?" and she said "two years. But I do Real Estate too.." I could totally sympathise with what she was doing; which was feeling the need to validate herself as more than a waitress (which I never doubted, by my question could well have seemed judgemental.) It's the same with writers all across the world. People say "oh wow, you're really great at sweeping the streets," and the writers say "thanks, but there's also some producer who is maybe interested in reading my script!"

So, I live in London. But right now, I am in New York. I am doing only the things I love. I am Directing a short film I wrote, I am writing a feature screenplay, and I have a film in a festival over here. When I'm not writing, I am hanging out with friends and meeting cool new people. That weight of expectation, validation and responsibility has been lifted. I get to be a successful writer - I get to be exactly who I want to be, who I sometimes am. Hell, I get to be who I really am.
And it's so important - I recommend it. Whether it means jumping on a plane, or whether it means renting a hotel room local to you and hiding out there and writing... find a way to do what you do, to be who you are. Find a place; be it a physical place or a mental place inside yourself - and be who you are. Be a writer. Believe it, feel it and be it. You'll feel a lot younger and a lot more inspired. All you have to do is give yourself permission, and find a world where you don't need to justify yourself - where you're freed from creative oppression both internal and external.

You can currently find me walking around the streets of New York, fuelling my imagination for many future projects.

Care to share?

Saturday, 3 October 2009

A Lack Of Self-Confidence, And What We're Going To Do About It.

When I started out in filmmaking, I made many short films on zero-budgets. I was that guy who would go out and shoot with his camera and no crew. The films were, for the most part, pretty decent-- and I showed a lot of promise. I had always promoted the idea that films, especially short films, didn't need to cost much money; if any at all.

Fast-forward a few years, and I was still making short films with just me and a camera. The quality was improving somewhat, but I hadn't made the leaps I perhaps felt I could have done. Looking back it is very obvious why-- I wasn't doing everything I could be in terms of collaboration. I was still shooting myself, I didn't get a Director Of Photography. I would still handle the sound myself, rather than get people who knew what they were doing.

For years I have had the knowledge and contacts to be able to put a little crew together, but it hadn't happened. The reason being, that voice inside me that would tell me "you're not ready yet, maybe a couple more films.." or "No crew is going to take you seriously." It's very strange, but now I realise, not uncommon-- to have these two sides of your personality battling each other. On the one hand, there are times when I have lacked confidence, been unsure of how others perceive me. But at the same time, I have always had an unwavering belief in my abilities and knowing this certainty that, one day, my films will be loved by many people.

I have a lot of friends who are actors, and every single one of them has this same process at work. On the one hand, they've done all the courses and gone to all the auditions; they're like a powerhouse of ambition and self-belief. But there is also the flip side to this-- a deep insecurity; something telling you you're not quite good enough for the role, or that you're not quite ready. Strangely, sometimes as an actor you DO get the role. And then the actor feels like they've cheated the system. They're just worried that one day somebody will figure out that they weren't supposed to be there.

And, one day not long from now, my looks will go, they will discover I can't act and I will become some sad middle-aged woman who looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while.
-Anna Scott in 'Notting Hill'

My personality has never really been one that seeks approval. I am generally happy for people to think what they want of me, and I wear my terrible clothes and sit in my room listening to Springsteen records, I'm happy with myself. But when it comes to my creations, there has often been the need for approval. The notion of being 'discovered' or of getting money to make a project, is subject to somebodies approval. It is at the very heart of what we do. The battle to prove we are worthwhile.

Of course, the simplistic advice we get is "be more confident." But I think we need to go further than that. We need to be more confident, but without the need for anybody's approval. I know a novel writer who, upon publishing his first novel, absolutely blitzed everybody on Facebook, on emails, etc-- begging them to buy his book. "Read me! Love me! Help me!" I could totally understand it; it's a pattern that certainly isn't alien to me. What could be worse than putting your heart and soul into your book, only to have nobody to read it come the end? Well, a worse thing would be putting your heart and soul into a book, forcing everyone to check it out, and still having nobody to read it come the end.

I spend a lot of time talking to successful people. I always like to know what makes them tick. In the field of filmmaking, and in other circumstances. What I find in most cases, is that the achievement comes when you stop fighting, and just create instead. Just yesterday, I was speaking to a theatre writer who struggled for years fighting to get her projects made. Then, for a few years, she went and had some kids and lived her family life. Before she knew it, people were on the phone, practically begging her to do projects. Likewise, the novelist I spoke of now quietly writes his books and screenplays, and is finding less resistence from the systems he used to feel oppressed by.

Look at it like an arm wrestling fight. If you are fighting the other person, you're going to get a lot of resistance. But if you loosen up, the fight loosens, and before you know it you have the ease and the energy to push forward. I am not talking about giving up, I am talking about changing your relationship with what you are trying to achieve.

So far I've talked about two things - self-confidence, and fighting to achieve with your creative pursuits. They are linked more than you might imagine. When you are trying to 'make it' as a writer, actor, director, etc-- you are entering into a system whereby you're offering something up, and the system can say 'let's make it!", "you've got the role!" or "we're not interested," "you're no good."

But that system, and by system I mean, the industry, the people who say 'you're worth our time' or 'you're not worth our time' is exactly the same as the inner process going on in your mind. Your script, or your audition, is the same as that voice in your head saying "this is what I want to do with my life." And that person who can say "Sorry, your writing is crap" is exactly the same as that voice in your own head, that tells you "your writing sucks!"

So why do you expect people in the industry to love your script when a part of your very being is telling you that it sucks? The naysayers in the industry are just an extension of that part of yourself that tells you you're not good enough. That's probably why you hate them so much, because they remind you of you.

To really understand the person who has the power to reject you, you really need to understand the part of you that rejects yourself-- or at least, your work. Maybe there's some great wisdom in that voice. This, for me, is where the limitations of those 'positive thinking' books come into play, because they try to override your negative feelings, rather than learn from them.

I believe you become successful when you are ready for it. I have found throughout my life that where I am, professionally and personally, is directly related to where I am in my head. And as I've become more aware of this, things have really transformed. I think that most people who have reached their desired level of success will tell you they did it at a time when they finally figured something out about themselves.

Self-confidence can come temporarily from listening to positive-thinking-guru type stuff. But after a while, you need more than that. You really need to look at your inner critic, at your insecurities; and find out what motivates them. That voice telling you 'you suck!' - where does it come from? Why is it there? Why do you sometimes trust it more than the confident version of you? What can you learn from it? What positive things can you take from that inner critic?

I know that my inner critic is pretty strong-- it's always there and it knows what it wants to say. I actually admire those qualities. What a great thing to have, perserverance and definiteness. That's something that it is teaching me. I should be as strong as that negative voice in my head. Come to think of it, having perserverance and being definate are two things that will really help me excel even more with my career.

This is something we can all do, starting today. Build a new relationship with the thing that zaps at your confidence. For me, next time I have a meeting or interview; instead of nerves or feelings of lack, I'm going to have new found perservence and definiteness, something that was always in me. Afterall, who the FUCK is my inner critic? Why am I taking him so seriously? Why do I believe him? What gives me the right to talk to me in that way? I know what I am doing with my creativity; of that I am sure, and I am going to perservere. And this new certainty has come from engaging with my inner critic, and learning from it. When something is part of you, you can either fight it, or learn from it and work with it. The same goes for external systems, like producers, film studios, script analysts, etc! Fix the thing inside yourself, and then you're going to do much better out there. I'd love to know your thoughts.

Care to share?

Sunday, 12 July 2009

If in doubt, ask Aaron Sorkin.

I threw a question to possibly the world's greatest screenwriter, Aaron Sorkin (A Few Good Men, The American President, Creator and Writer of The West Wing and Studio 60)

Kid: There's this voice in my head; and he says "Hey man, you suck! This script wouldn't interest a small woodpigeon, let alone large audiences!" I have no idea who this voice is. I feel it may be my inner critic but he promised to cut down on the bad reviews.

Do you have any advice for conquering this voice? I find there's a thin line between "you suck!" and "well, this needs reworking" - how do you tell which voice is the self-loathing-critic and which one knows what he's talking about? To be honest, I'd like this voice gone altogether so I could write what's in my heart, even if it was a 200 page script about waste disposal.

Aaron Sorkin: I'm afraid you're going to have to get used to that, Front Row. Every time I finish something I think I'm never going to be able to write anything else. And every time I start something I think that this is the one where I'm going to get found out as a fraud. Every time I read a bad review it bothers me not because I think the critic is wrong but because secretly I think they're right. "How did the lady from the Bergen County Shopper's Guide get it right but not the guy from the New York Times."

There's a great line from the movie Arthur. Dudley Moore says "Not every drunk is a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets." You asked for advice so here it is: Don't be an alcoholic. And try to remember that nothing you write, no matter how good, is going to make everyone in the world like you. Good luck and let me know how it's going.

Care to share?