HOME ALONE WTF With My Friend Carl

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
I'm eating. Carl is eating. Craig is playing a game on his iPhone, oblivious to everything. 

CARL 

Did you see 'Home Alone' the other night? 

KID

It was on TV? 

CARL

Yeah. The first and the second film. 

KID

It's too early. 

CARL 

Definitely too early. 

KID 

What the hell were they thinking? 

CARL 

I know. 

KID 

They do this every year. Everyone knows 'Home Alone' should be on TV about four days before Christmas. 

CARL 

Not in November. 

KID 

Never in November. 

CARL

Who are the people who schedule TV shows, do you know them?

KID 

I don't know them. I don't know anyone who thinks 'Home Alone' should be shown in November. 

CARL 

Same here. 

KID

They've ruined Christmas. 

CARL 

They've ruined Christmas. 

KID 

Home Alone should be shown four days before Christmas. 

CARL

What about Christmas eve? 

KID 

I have no problem with Christmas eve. You know what I have a problem with?

CARL 

The bird woman. 

KID

Nobody likes the bird woman. We have New York City, why do we need the bird woman? 

CARL 

They should screen the bird-woman parts in November and everything else in December, four days before Christmas. 

KID 

You know what else they should have in the second film?

CARL

What? 

KID

Fuller drinking Pepsi. 

CARL 

Definitely. 

KID 

I don't feel I can enjoy Christmas this year. 

CARL 

You don't even watch it on TV, you have it on DVD.

KID 

I only have it because the TV people keep messing it up.

CARL 

But why do you care? 

KID 

Because you don't show it in November. It's the rule. Everybody knows the rule. 

The 'Home Alone Conversation' is something that seems to happen every year. Read the one from last year here. 

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Final Scene From My New Screenplay

I was just about to put the finishing touches to my new screenplay, a heartfelt rom-com, when my lead male charcter, Eric, forgot he was in a rom-com and suddenly thought he was in the middle of an action film where he had to relieve the NYPD of their duties.

What follows is the dialogue from the final scene.

ABBY

I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. 

ERIC

Me too, you're my whole world. 

ABBY

Let's go and live in the mountains and have children together. 

ERIC

What's this? 

ABBY

What's what?

 ERIC

Why did you let them on the scene? Where's Maddox?

ABBY

What do you mean? I'm saying that we should start a family together. 

ERIC

You can go home now, we've got it from here. 

ABBY

Who's got what?

ERIC 

FBI. This is our jurisdiction. Get outta here. 

ABBY

Eric; you're confusing me. I love you -- 

ERIC 

Yeah yeah, I get it. Six murders in three weeks and you think I'm gonna leave you alone with the body? Give me a break, Jones. 

ABBY

Eric; you're scaring me. 

ERIC 

Scaring you, Jones?

ABBY

Ohhhh, I get it. You want to call our first kids Maddox and Jones. I could get used to that. 

ERIC

Two sugars. 

ABBY

What?

ERIC

In my coffee. Two sugars, thanks.

ABBY

But you don't drink coffee. 

ERIC 

Two sugars and call Maddox, Jones. 

ABBY

This is the final scene of a rom-com, what is wrong with you?

ERIC 

Do I look like someone who'd be in a rom-com to you? Would I be chewing gum like this if it was the final scene of a rom-com?  Would I be carrying a gun?

ABBY

You don't have a gun.

ERIC

Listen, Kid. You're a good cop, but I've been on this job for 36 years. 

ABBY

You're 23. 

ERIC 

What Jones? 

ABBY

You're 23.

ERIC
Don't mess with me.

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The One Where Tom Hanks Was Like "What The Fuck???"

I bring you an exclusive behind the scenes look at what happened on the set of the Robert Zemeckis film 'CAST AWAY' when the sanity of two-time Academy Award winner Tom Hanks was seriously put to the test. After half of the shoot, Hanks was convinced this was going to be his best film to date. And then the director started making some strange requests.

DIRECTOR
Great work today, Tom.

TOM
Thanks.

DIRECTOR
I have some new dialogue for you.

TOM
Great.

DIRECTOR
I think you need someone with you on the island.

TOM
I'd like that.

DIRECTOR
I need you to say, "You wouldn't have a match by any chance, would ya?"

TOM
Who am I saying it to, Helen Hunt?

DIRECTOR
Um. No. To Wilson.

TOM
Who?

DIRECTOR
A volleyball. Say the line to a volleyball.
A few days later.

DIRECTOR

Tom. I just watched 'APOLLO 13.'

TOM

I love that movie.

DIRECTOR

Me too. I love when Ed Harris is arguing with everyone about trajectories and re-entry.

TOM

Yeah, very powerful stuff.

DIRECTOR

Don't you wish you'd been in those scenes?

TOM

I guess. But I was in the spaceship.

DIRECTOR

Well, we've come up with a similar scene for you. You map out the plane crash and detail the land that surrounds you. You can write it all on the cave.

TOM

That could be cool.

DIRECTOR

So you'll do it?

TOM

Sure, Rob.

DIRECTOR

Great. I'll get the volleyball.

TOM

Not the volleyball thing again?

DIRECTOR

It'll be great.

TOM

I thought that scene went well.

DIRECTOR

Me too.

TOM

I'm going for a nap.

DIRECTOR

Hold on, we need you for Wilson's close up.

TOM

Are you sure it was you who Directed 'Forrest Gump'?

DIRECTOR

I get a better performance when both actors are there for each other.

TOM

It's a volleyball!!

DIRECTOR

And it's his first role in a movie, you should be more supportive.

TOM

It's a Vol-ley-ball. This is crazy.

A day later, Tom was back on set for another night shoot.

DIRECTOR

Okay Tom. I need you to say, "I can't take much more of those coconuts. Coconut milk's a natural laxative," whilst you're eating crab.

TOM

Great line. This should be good.

DIRECTOR

Just bare with us - we're waiting for Wilson to arrive on set.

TOM

The fucking volleyball again?

DIRECTOR

Is there a problem?

TOM

I've done three films with Meg Ryan.

DIRECTOR

What's wrong, Tom?

TOM

What's with the volleyball? I signed on to act with Helen Hunt.

DIRECTOR

She's not in this scene.

TOM

Can't we get Tim Allen?

DIRECTOR

The ball is more natural.

TOM

I have two academy awards. I've worked with Denzel Washington.

Coming soon. More completely true untold stories from Hollywood movies.

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