SUBMARINE With My Friend PETE

So, we sat in our seats. Okay, they're not our seats, they belong to the cinema. I knew this because, when I own a seat, it doesn't smell of piss and popcorn. Anyway;

The trailers are on. We're watching. But the projection is awful. Look at the diagram. Not good right? At least, I didn't think so. Look at the blue rectangle in my image; awful. What the hell?

So I go outside to talk to the helpful cinema dude.

THE KID

The projection is fucked up. It's all kind of pushed to the right, it's a mess. 

HELPFUL DUDE

Huh?

THE KID 

It don't look right. 

HELPFUL DUDE

Okay. 

At this point he just kind of stares.

THE KID

Can you do something? 

HELPFUL DUDE

I'll have a look.

He comes in, he takes a look. He sees it sucks. 

HELPFUL DUDE

Okay, I'll let them know.

THE KID

Thanks.

So the movie starts. And it's still messed up. But everyone else is munching on popcorn, sitting in their piss seats, and texting their mistresses. Nobody gives a damn. Even my friend Pete is sitting there happily. I stormed out into the place where the helpful dude was standing around waiting to tear small pieces of paper in half.

THE KID 

What's happening with the thing? 

HELPFUL DUDE

Is it not fixed?

THE KID 

No. 

HELPFUL DUDE

I told them.

THE KID 

Great, but could something be done? 

HELPFUL DUDE

I'll have another look.

He comes into the screen again. He looks at it. He has a weird, bland, spaced out look that I can't fully describe.

HELPFUL DUDE

Is it not meant to be like that?

THE KID

Maybe. It is an arthouse flick.

HELPFUL DUDE

Oh okay. 

THE KID 

I'm joking; look--- can't you just get the projectionist to move the image or something?

HELPFUL DUDE

Apparently this film isn't full screen so it's okay. 

THE KID 

(defeated)

Okay, whatever. 

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Sex And The City 2: A Review Of The People Lining Up To See It.

So me and my friend Pete decided to go and see a movie, although we didn't actually see a movie we just decided to see one, but we didn't see it. You see, what we did see, Pete and me, is we saw an abundance of women. Hundreds of women. I can't say exactly how many but somewhere between a hundred and a million, and they were all lining up to see 'Sex And The City 2.' Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe the women were out in numbers to see 'Furry Vengeance' but it's unlikely.
Now, I have no problem with women liking Sex And The City, they can like Sex And anything they want, but --- the problem was, that the line to buy a ticket was about this long. I just demonstrated how long with my arms, but you can't see, because this is a blog. I mean, you can see, I'm not saying your eyesight is bad; I just mean you can't see what I'm doing, because this is a blog, and not a video of me stretching my arms out like this. Again, you can't see that, either, because this isn't a video. Anyways. Where were we? We were in line at the cinema.

So, there we were. And there were hundreds of women of all ages, although not quite as old as a hundred, and not quite as young as five although some were acting like it. The problem we had was that we wanted to just quietly walk over to the cinema dude and buy a ticket for 'Death At A Funeral' -- I don't mean I wanted death, or a funeral, although after witnessing the effects of Sex And The City, it perhaps seemed more appealing. But we couldn't buy a ticket, because the lines were so long, so we decided to go to Pizza Hut.

The Pizza was okay, it was quite nice, although not as friendly as some other Pizza's. We also had a dessert due to the waitress demanding we try the cookie thingy dessert. And then it was time to go and see the later showing of the film, or maybe even seeing the other film that was on, I forget which one, but just before we left; about sixty females suddenly left Pizza Hut and walked towards the cinema. I got out the movies app on my iPhone. Indeed, SATC2 was starting at the same time as the movies we were considering, which meant more lines. Indeed, as we looked beyond the cookie dessert and on out of the window, we could see another sea of woman seemingly seeing one thing only -- it's like that scene in 'War Of The Worlds' when they're all going up that mountain towards the Alien thingy. We realized we had no chance, once again there were to be at least a million women in line to get tickets for the movie about the shopping bags.

And then we went home.

Overall - I give the audience members of Sex & The City 1 out of 10.

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