Kid In The Front Row Arrested

The incredibly talented and world famous film blogger who is rumoured to have dated Scarlet Johannson, Natalie Portman, and numerous unattractive extras from his own projects, was arrested tonight after an unexpected bloodbath in a local cinema, a crime which is utterly unacceptable unless you've been sitting through a Ben Stiller double-bill.

The blogger and famed womanizer began the night suspiciously at the ticket booth when he yelled abusive language at the cinema worker. He was about to be kicked out of the building but after much arguing, the video footage proved that the ticket seller had been "hovering around behind the counter pretending to be unaware of the sixteen people waiting in line."

The Kid In The Front Row, who surprised onlookers by making a rare appearance without a Hollywood starlet by his side, erupted again shortly after, due to being charged 14.99 for a small popcorn and 7.25 for having his ticket stub ripped in half.

Staff were relieved when The Kid took to his seat, as they know from previous experience that he gets immensely engrossed in the movies, or in the arms of iconic sex symbols in the back row.

The Kid, eager to watch a film in the absence of an A-list babe by his side, was incensed, if not inflamed (near to the point of combustion) when two separate people had what can only be described as the 'Blackberry Flash of light', which has already been reworked on Twitter as the 'Blackberry Flash of death' after the film blogging hero, who is often compared to Brad Pitt, bludgeoned them to death with the sharp end of his ripped ticket stub, before quietly turning their Blackberries off.

The other cinemagoers were apparently confused for a few brief seconds but were drawn back to the screen by a subtle piece of product placement when Leonardo Di Caprio, who is not unlike The Kid in terms of looks and talent, said "my, this Coca Cola sure is sweet," during a nineteen second close-up of a coke can in 3D.

It was just after this moment when two old ladies, who possibly witnessed the invention of the film camera back in their teenage years, made the fatal error of whispering softly and sweetly and cutely and caringly to each other for no longer, but also no less than, about 34 minutes, on the topic of whether Di Caprio was a Nazi during the war.

As The Kid In The Front Row glanced their way, his attention was also drawn to the kissing couple to the side of him whose kisses were unusually loud, as if they were were in a Foley effects recording session. At this precise moment a cinema employee came in. The Kid hoped this was to deal with the unruly noisemakers but it turns out he came into the screening because it's the only place in the building to get a good phone signal.

And then The Kid In The Front Row snapped. Of course, industry insiders had always feared that the Blogger and filmmaker, whose strength and abilities had been labelled as "a young Arnie with the coolness of Bruce Willis and the power of The Rock," would one day snap.

The Kid In The Front Row brutally killed all the cinemagoers and many staff, but it is hoped a jury will give him some leniency as he did stay for the credits.

Care to share?

Tweet

Cinema In SAUDI ARABIA

In November 2010, I wrote an article called Cinema In Your Country, where I asked everyone to share a bit about how movies are seen and perceived in their own countries. The post got some wonderful replies in the comments, and many  of you also contacted me by email. I was particularly intrigued by some emails I was getting from Saudi Arabia, where cinema's don't exist. I had no idea this was true; and invited Fatma M-Z, who lives in Saudi Arabia, to tell us more about it from their own perspective. 

Written By Guest Author Fatma M - Z

In Saudi Arabia, people don't need cinemas to follow and know about the international film industries like Hollywood, Bollywood and other foreign movies because they already know a lot about them.

Although there is no such thing as movie theaters all around the big kingdom, still, most people love movies and watch them the whole time. And to tell you the truth, young Saudis are big fans of Hollywood productions and they are following the movies box office regularly. And some are serious movie addicts.

If you are wondering how we get access to movies, DVDs and video tapes, then I'll tell you that our resources for movies are either movie stores, which are available everywhere, or through internet websites.

I think the reason why there are no movies shown publicly here might be because most of these movies seem to carry concepts and ideas that don’t suit our cultural traditions and Islamic beliefs. Generally speaking, the Saudi society is conservative and believe in preserving its Islamic traditions and life-style from vanishing by external factors and I believe that there is nothing more important than keeping one's identity and true belonging as long as it doesn't harm anyone else.

Some people think that the government is the one who is responsible for the absence of cinema in Saudi Arabia out of its strict intolerance but this is not true. Actually, the government has nothing to interfere with citizens's own affairs and they hold a neutral side; but they prevent this thing out of fear of opposition from people and once the majority of people accepts the establishing of cinema houses, nobody will mind as long as the movies shown are modified to suit the different variety of ages.

In the meantime, the actual change has started taking place in the big cities as mini cinemas for children as well as big 3D documentary films that are presented every weekend to entertain and educate both children and adults, and consequently, I think that big cinema houses will exist in Saudi Arabia very soon.

To be accurate and even in my presentation, I run small interviews in my college where I asked many girls about their opinions of the absence of cinema here. Most of them said that although they don't see why it is not here, they don't feel that it's necessary anymore because they have other alternatives and they get used to seeing movies at home.

However, some girls insisted that it's totally unfair and there should be cinema's for them to meet with their friends and watch movies together while others said that although young people demand its existence, we must respect the ones who don't as it's not a life or death issue and they mentioned that they don't see what difference will it make whether they watch movies inside their houses or out of it. 

Lastly, I believe that such changes are going to happen as the world is now getting more and more similar every day.


Big thanks to Guest Author Fatma M - Z, for speaking up and sharing some views from Saudi Arabia!

Care to share?

Tweet

The Pee Issue.

What is the cut off time? How long before a movie should you stop drinking? Or, what's the most you can drink? Of course, different people have different bladders (obviously. If bladders were communal, that would be bizarre). Some people can drink 50 litres and still say "no big deal, I'll pee tomorrow." But for many of us, we need to pee more. In fact, I think it's possible that people with perfectly good bladders find their bladders falling apart around the beginning of a movie.


Why do they put the bathrooms so bloody far away from the screen you're in? What's that about? It's sexist, that's what it is. You come out of screen 14, and right there is a women's toilet. The men's? It's over there by screen 2. And by other there I mean down two flights of escalators. There's some kind of conspiracy going on here and I'm not best pleased about it.

The good thing about watching a lot of movies is that you know the exact point when they turn SHIT. When the girl turns to the guy and says "You either choose to come to your daughters school play, or choose to go to North Dakota for the business meeting." When that happens, you know what's coming next - so you can go and do some urinary depletion without losing the plot (of the movie). But then, once a year, they show a good film at the cinema. It's three hours long. You've just three teas and a double sized over sized super sized triple sized coke because it was 'only' £4 more expensive than the smaller one. So there you are, in the middle of the film; and the woman says "You can go to your daughters play, or you can save the Earth, or you can go back in time and save my Brother and change the course of history." Wow. You're hooked. You have to stay. But you need to pee! You look around. It's dark. The coke cup is empty. Do you dare? You don't. After all, the lady sitting two seats from you might complain. Or worse: enjoy it.

So what do you do? Why do they sell you a big drink and put the restrooms so far away? (I used the phrase restrooms for you Americans. And yes, your toilets are as terribly placed as English ones).

This problem can also end friendships. When you sneak back into the screen having had a much needed piss - you will inevitably ask your friend, "What did I miss?". The trusted friend responds, "nothing, she just got on that boat." Later on, you realize, she didn't just get on the boat. She got on the boat, shot three people, and released nine hostages. It's a pivotal point in the film, but your friend neglects to share this.

They need to put some headphones by the seats. You pick them up, put them on - and go pee. Still able to listen to the movie. Or, the weaker bladdered audience members should get a remote control. "Sorry everyone. I need to pee." That would work.

Care to share?

Tweet

Best movie theater in NYC?

Let me know your thoughts, I plan to check them all out. I do like the Angelika, even if you hear a train going by every three minutes! The IFC is great too - seemingly perfect sound and visuals.

Where else?

Care to share?

Tweet

The Cinema Week.

Yes I love movies and yes I love going to the cinema-- but do I do it enough? No. So over the next week; I'm doing it as much as I can. Yes, I have work to do and things to get done-- but any second not spent doing those will be spent watching films in various places around London. It starts on Monday. So I'll see you all in the front row.

Care to share?

Tweet