Exclusive! Shocking Reasons Why KATIE HOLMES and TOM CRUISE Are Getting Divorced

Here at Kid In The Front Row we have been shocked and appalled by the amount of nonsense being written about Tom and Katie in magazines, tabloids and across the internet. This is why we --and by we, I mean me-- have endeavoured to investigate the truth behind one of the biggest separations ever to rock this or any other blog.

The following should in no way be seen as factual, unless you are stupid, which you probably are.

The true reasons behind the startling break down of one of scientology's greatest marriages is now becoming apparent. I can reveal that for much of their relationship they were in separate rooms. Tom Cruise would be in the living room with their daughter watching cartoons, and Katie Holmes would be far away in the kitchen, pouring a glass of orange juice. It has also been revealed that they would often sleep in separate bedrooms, especially when Cruise was in a different continent, filming.

The main source of contention with the break up has been their daughter Suri, 6, who is currently penning her memoirs. Katie Holmes is thought to be deeply concerned with the effect Tom is having on their daughter's mental health. Just last month, Cruise was intent on making Suri star in the remake of his smash hit film 'Dead Poets Society'. Holmes and her Dawson's Creek co-stars all sent emails to Cruise, insisting that he never starred in the movie, which he constantly denied. "I have done four missions that people thought were impossible," said a surprisingly chipper Cruise. "So to claim I couldn't also have acted in Dead Poet's Society is ridiculous." 

There have been persistent rumours that Holmes has wanted out of the marriage ever since Cruise, who is definitely 100% not a closeted homosexual, heterosexual, asexual or anysexual of any kind, demanded that Joey Potter get back with Dawson, and not Pacey. "I absolutely loved Dawson's Creek", screamed Cruise. "But how could Katie's character get with Pacey when clearly Dawson was her soulmate?". This is expected to be one of main sticking points in divorce proceedings; as it's believed that there is no pre-nuptial agreement, meaning things get split down the middle; and Cruise is taking Pacey. "That way, she'll be forced to get back with Dawson, it's meant to be!" said Cruise.

While most news organisations have been focusing on the plight of Mrs Holmes and their daughter Suri, it's important to not disregard the trouble Tom Cruise is going through. One of the production assistants from his new film emailed me yesterday to inform me that Tom's sofa jumping antics have been lethargic at best. "He's lost his bounciness", said my source. "If we demand it, he'll jump up and down, but there's no energy in it." I tried to get more information on this story, but the famous actor refused to comment, and his sofa is not returning phone calls. 

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